Tim Laughlin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
holyposition) wrote2024-06-13 06:55 pm
holyposition) wrote2024-06-13 06:55 pm
IC Inbox
WELCOME TO THE SALTBURNT NETWORK
USERNAME:
t.laughlin
text ❖ audio ❖ video
WELCOME TO THE SALTBURNT NETWORK
USERNAME:
t.laughlin
text ❖ audio ❖ video
cw: mentions of csa, prostitution, downplaying trauma
[ liked it is being humble about it. aemond has marks on his back to remind himself of it, and he knows he's left his own mark on tim, high on his arm, perfect crescents of teeth near-breaking the skin.
it is not what troubles him, the intimacy of their joining. ]
There are acts that lovers perform on one another that... This is indelicate in the highest order, isn't it? I cannot kiss your soft parts. I cannot——venture where my hands might go, where my fingers might touch. It is not something I can give you. To kiss you on the mouth takes a great effort from me as it is. It should terrify you how much of it I have given you, because it comes from a place of——burning, Tim, I must first burn before I could ever dare it.
[ he bites at tim's fingers, now - lightly, as a dog might graze at the hand that feeds it, not knowing any other way to say thank you. ]
The whore. Sylvi. She was as old as my mother when Aegon took me to her the first time. And I could not perform, not at first, not until after she's applied her mouth upon me, and even that had taken time. It was——
I was terrified. I did not want to be in my body in that moment, but I succeeded in the end, and I finished as I should. Aegon was happy for me. I was made a man then.
It is not his fault, my weakness. Every time I feel someone's mouth on me I feel that same childish fear rise in my belly. It sours me throughout. I don't want that for you. From you. You don't have to soil your mouth with my leave, and I won't ask you to.
no subject
What's worst is that he kneels as if he's confessing a sin, when it's he who has been sinned against. Slowly, Tim pulls his fingers from Aemond's mouth, tucks them underneath his chin, to tilt it up towards him. There's sorrow in his eyes amidst the tenderness, his features creasing into seriousness. ]
Listen to me. It is not a weakness for you to not want something you'd been forced into, when you were young and scared. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.
[ Words mimicked from Hawk, years ago, still repeated when he needs it. Paid forward now. ]
I want you to feel safe with me. That's far, far more important to me than any sex act. You understand that?
cw: mentions of csa, derogatory language to sex workers, downplaying trauma
when was the last time he'd ever felt safe? he can't remember. he can't recall a moment when he wasn't thinking about the iron throne, what it meant to himself and his brothers, what it would mean when his father finally died and his sister called upon the oaths of the great houses to honour her as their father's heir. every day is a march towards — what? the crown? the promise of survival, if they prevail in sending rhaenyra to either death or exile?
he's never felt safe without vhagar. and vhagar has not been close to him in many a fortnight now. he doesn't understand what tim is trying to offer him. ]
You could never harm me. You do not have the stomach for that sort of violence.
[ is it confusion, then? does he misunderstand what tim means? there are ways to hurt a person that goes beyond torture or disfigurement. mind games, like his uncle daemon likes to use on his enemies, like larys strong employs in the service of the crown. violations and brutality, the kind that burrows under the fingernails and sticks to the mind's eye.
but even with that knowledge at the forefront, aemond cannot imagine it of tim. he cannot see tim hurting him; there is no desire in him to overpower another, to violate another person's trust. ]
It was a stupid fear. Aegon did not force me. I went with him willingly, he was thinking of me. I wanted to go with him, he rarely asks me to be involved, it was to teach me as an older brother should. He couldn't have known I wouldn't like it. It is my weakness to deal with, that I cannot overcome something so simple as the touch of a whore's mouth.
If you would be patient with me, I could learn. I've never had pressing reason to learn before.
[ do not see me as weak for this. do not make him beg. ]
cws continued let's just assume so all the way down
[ And he thinks Aemond knows that, but this situation is fraught enough without pointing it out. He doesn't trust so easily, Tim knows, or admit to pain or fear or needing comfort. He could harm him right now, if he had a mind to, by simply getting up and leaving, proving all his walls necessary and all this unprocessed trauma a deal-breaker. Aemond could hurt him too, by deciding his softness isn't worth being vulnerable for, that he doesn't want it or respect it after all.
Tim's not doing any of that, just...holding his hand on the top of Aemond's head, scratching affectionately at his scalp. His voice is low and gentle, not wanting an argument, but firm, assured of the truth of what he's saying. Some points have to be made for his own good, if he'll listen. ]
You didn't do it because you wanted it, you did it to please him. That's not how sex should be, ever. It doesn't make you weak, that you didn't like it.
[ If anything, he's the one begging, for Aemond to take his words to heart, to separate this from all the other things he does for his brother out of loyalty and duty. He has to take a breath and close his eyes, to keep the emotion back, so that he doesn't cry for him.
...but maybe he should. Has anyone, ever? ]
If you want to ease into it, we can. If you don't, that's alright too. Like I said, nothing that you don't want.
no subject
[ he doesn't understand it. to him, it's the height of selfishness; to be generous with the self in the face of discomfort is the standard for duty. it demands, and it takes, and one suffers through it if one cannot find it in themselves to love what they are given. his mother had done it for decades, as had his father, as had every single dragon in his family. they have privilege, he knows this, they have more of it than anyone else in the seven kingdoms — but it is power that requires sacrifice.
some discomfort in the marriage bed is a small price to pay for a greater strength, a greater alliance. while tim is no lord or lady of the realm, he has given aemond an unconditional trust. it is a greater gift than many have offered aemond in all his years. why should that not demand sacrifice? he is willing to give it. ]
Should I not want to please, and be raised up for it?
no subject
[ Patting the bed beside him. He doesn't need to kneel, as if in prayer or reverence. Tim hasn't done anything extraordinary by suggesting that whatever intimacies they partake in should be enjoyable and comfortable for them both. That it puzzles him is a tragedy, one that Tim will work as hard as he can to correct. ]
I don't see it as deprivation. [ Kissing him on his brow, where his scar is, and again on the bottom, at the peak of his cheekbone. ] I need to know my lover is engaged and enjoying himself, or I won't be having fun either. It's important to me, and makes everything feel better, too. So if you don't like it, I won't like doing it with you.
[ It would be selfish of him to ask, especially here, where he has other lovers who would be more than happy to let him suck them off if he were really in the mood for it that badly. Tim likes doing it. He loves doing it, but he meant what he said before. Aemond's comfort, his feelings, and his pleasure are all more important than this one thing. ]
There's lots of ways to make me feel good. You managed just fine yesterday.