I'm sorry, Aemond. For all that you've been through, and the pain you'll suffer after this. If there even is an 'after this'. But it's not a good reason to close your mind to everything here. I know more than just faith.
[ Tim knows who he’s talking to. He doesn’t care. Those titles hold no weight here, and this deadly game won’t discriminate. Rhaenyra a princess, Erik a refugee. Aemond’s father a king, Tim’s an accountant. It doesn’t matter. Neither is any closer to beating the game than the other, and the longer they keep bickering about nonsense, the longer it will take for that to change. But it’s like talking to a wall.
A wall that’s only known pain has to have a crack or fissure somewhere. ]
Who I choose to share my body with is important to me. Not because of Hawk's jealousy, or because of God, but for me. My own agency. That's all we have control over here, ourselves.
[ and sometimes not even that. ]
You disrespect me by assuming that it was offered.
Was it not, when you allowed me to name you as a brother?
[ he doesn't understand this. he doesn't understand desire that is separate from duty, because all he's known is that they are one and the same. why should he want anything else but the iron throne? why should he want anyone who isn't family? why should he want to defend someone who is not kin?
everything that matters belongs to his blood. his dragon, his name, his very existence. all of it is owed to house targaryen from the moment he was conceived — even the act of it is duty that his mother had borne.
the first time he desired anything for himself and took it, the realm demanded his eye and humiliation. the second time he desired recompense and apology, vhagar swallowed lucerys whole. the third time he'd asked for anything at all, his sister pronounced his death, and his alone.
My God, are you even listening? Kissing, on the mouth, with heaving and teeth is not an assumed brotherly gesture, where I come from. How much clearer can I possibly be?
[ How hard-headed can one person be? They don’t have time to stand here bickering about the nuances of incest. This is ridiculous. ]
I’m not debating this with you anymore. You’ll ask first, or you won’t do it.
[ what a concept. to ask first. aemond has stopped walking and is glaring with his whole being at tim. ]
You would dare have me beg you for—– Is that what you want? To have me on my knees? You wish to be equal but you do not accept anything unless it is on your terms.
[ unfortunate that he doesn't have vhagar here. he wishes to take flight, to burn. ]
You truly are like a brother to me. Even Aegon would not be this cruel.
but he can't seem to actually answer. just freezes in place like it's a test, because all questions are a test, every answer is a weight volleyed between approval and denial, and aemond does not want to play this game any more. ]
[ The tiniest turn of his lips, an amused huff. That’s...halfway to getting it. More like a fifth. In any case, ]
I will not command you, either. That’s the point I’m trying to make. It’s better when both people want it.
[ In terms he thinks Aemond might actually understand: ]
It’s more fulfilling to receive something from a loved one or an ally as a gift than it is to take it. Just as I would happily share the food from my cupboards with you, but I'd be disturbed if you stole it in the night. To share of your own will builds trust. Trust builds intimacy. It’s better that way. The bond is stronger, and the pleasure greater.
Is that not just an accord? That is no different from a manipulation. You find use and value in a joining is more worthy than desire for its own sake.
[ the inculcation of the faith of the seven runs deep in aemond, do not doubt it even if he says otherwise. he was raised in it, steeped in it from when he was still in his mother's womb; he could no more escape its reach than he could pretend to be anything but a targaryen.
every fight against his mother's faith is a conscious one, but it is both religious bias and hatred for women that raised him. ]
You have my trust. You ask me to give more of it to you. You want me to ask for it from you.
[ he understands. but at the same time, he doesn't. which is why it's perhaps very telling when he says; ]
You do do not just ask for these things, Laughlin.
[ And as he says, he doesn't want to be a passing fancy. Not as a lover, not as a brother, and not as a friend. Tim looks for things that he can lose himself in completely, for substitutes to worship that will actually talk back to him. He talks to God every day, but it's the men talking in circles back in his room while he and Aemond bicker than answer his prayers. ]
I want to feel a connection more than I want to get off. I don't think that's manipulative.
[ Tim shakes his head, softly. He doesn't want Aemond to ask for anything he doesn't want to receive. ]
You want love commingling with your lust. You invite your own ruin this way, for it is a weakness of flesh.
[ now who sounds like a religious nut? he's gone quiet, however. gotten small, in his own way. ]
I am never safe. Nor am I wanted. [ he doesn't want to talk about this anymore. his gaze slowly drifts aside, sharpening at a point somewhere behind tim. ] Do brushes have straps usually, in these gardens?
[ ...Hard to argue. Tim would rather be celibate than be driven by lust without connection to go with it. It doesn't have to be love, necessarily - not anymore, not now that he's sullied himself by offering his body to devils, not when he's still picking up the pieces of the oft-shattered part of him that believes he can be loved at all. ]
Believe it or don't. But that's what family means to me. You invited it.
[ And if he didn't want it? He shouldn't have done it so hastily. No takebacks.
Tim turns quickly on his heel, squinting at something poking out from a bush. He can't fit his glasses properly around the mask, so he's got them on a string around his neck like his grandmother. He raises them so he can actually see more than ten feet from his face. ]
[ aemond struts over to the brush, crouches down, and perhaps with more force than someone should, he snaps off parts of the shrubbery to loosen what seems like a saddle bag, but made miniature. there is a long thin strap made of some polished leather, the ends attached to rings sown into the corners of the bag.
it's fairly weighted, for something so quaint.
aemond holds it out for tim to take and inspect. ]
I imagine you'll be more familiar with the contents than I. There is a metal clasp of some sort holding it closed.
[ Thing is, Tim doesn't actually know Parisa more than simply in passing, the recognition of another who has been here since the beginning. The only thing that identifies it as hers are a couple hairs stuck in the bag's zipper, which he removes carefully as he opens it, holding them up to the light to try to tell whether they're black or brown. Black, he thinks. ]
We have her phone, a perfume, and a bunch of garbage.
[ The phone has a passcode lock. He'll start trying random combinations. ]
I don't know how useful it'll be, but maybe someone who actually knew her could tell us.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-10-09 03:35 pm (UTC)[ Tim knows who he’s talking to. He doesn’t care. Those titles hold no weight here, and this deadly game won’t discriminate. Rhaenyra a princess, Erik a refugee. Aemond’s father a king, Tim’s an accountant. It doesn’t matter. Neither is any closer to beating the game than the other, and the longer they keep bickering about nonsense, the longer it will take for that to change. But it’s like talking to a wall.
A wall that’s only known pain has to have a crack or fissure somewhere. ]
Who I choose to share my body with is important to me. Not because of Hawk's jealousy, or because of God, but for me. My own agency. That's all we have control over here, ourselves.
[ and sometimes not even that. ]
You disrespect me by assuming that it was offered.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-09 03:51 pm (UTC)[ he doesn't understand this. he doesn't understand desire that is separate from duty, because all he's known is that they are one and the same. why should he want anything else but the iron throne? why should he want anyone who isn't family? why should he want to defend someone who is not kin?
everything that matters belongs to his blood. his dragon, his name, his very existence. all of it is owed to house targaryen from the moment he was conceived — even the act of it is duty that his mother had borne.
the first time he desired anything for himself and took it, the realm demanded his eye and humiliation. the second time he desired recompense and apology, vhagar swallowed lucerys whole. the third time he'd asked for anything at all, his sister pronounced his death, and his alone.
duty and sacrifice. that's how he survives. ]
If you mislike it then say it plain.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-09 04:47 pm (UTC)[ How hard-headed can one person be? They don’t have time to stand here bickering about the nuances of incest. This is ridiculous. ]
I’m not debating this with you anymore. You’ll ask first, or you won’t do it.
when massive misunderstandings happen
Date: 2024-10-09 05:25 pm (UTC)[ what a concept. to ask first. aemond has stopped walking and is glaring with his whole being at tim. ]
You would dare have me beg you for—– Is that what you want? To have me on my knees? You wish to be equal but you do not accept anything unless it is on your terms.
[ unfortunate that he doesn't have vhagar here. he wishes to take flight, to burn. ]
You truly are like a brother to me. Even Aegon would not be this cruel.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-09 05:38 pm (UTC)[ God help him. He rolls his eyes, and then squeezes them shut, takes a breath, turns towards Aemond. Let's try again. ]
I know that we don't always get it, but you deserve to have a say in what is done to you.
[ Tim takes a step forward, earnest. Not on his knees, no pain in his eyes, no groveling. Just an easy, simple question. ]
Can I kiss you, Aemond?
no subject
Date: 2024-10-09 06:02 pm (UTC)but he can't seem to actually answer. just freezes in place like it's a test, because all questions are a test, every answer is a weight volleyed between approval and denial, and aemond does not want to play this game any more. ]
Do as you like. I will not command you.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-09 06:56 pm (UTC)I will not command you, either. That’s the point I’m trying to make. It’s better when both people want it.
[ In terms he thinks Aemond might actually understand: ]
It’s more fulfilling to receive something from a loved one or an ally as a gift than it is to take it. Just as I would happily share the food from my cupboards with you, but I'd be disturbed if you stole it in the night. To share of your own will builds trust. Trust builds intimacy. It’s better that way. The bond is stronger, and the pleasure greater.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 04:10 am (UTC)Is that not just an accord? That is no different from a manipulation. You find use and value in a joining is more worthy than desire for its own sake.
[ the inculcation of the faith of the seven runs deep in aemond, do not doubt it even if he says otherwise. he was raised in it, steeped in it from when he was still in his mother's womb; he could no more escape its reach than he could pretend to be anything but a targaryen.
every fight against his mother's faith is a conscious one, but it is both religious bias and hatred for women that raised him. ]
You have my trust. You ask me to give more of it to you. You want me to ask for it from you.
[ he understands. but at the same time, he doesn't. which is why it's perhaps very telling when he says; ]
You do do not just ask for these things, Laughlin.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 05:09 am (UTC)[ And as he says, he doesn't want to be a passing fancy. Not as a lover, not as a brother, and not as a friend. Tim looks for things that he can lose himself in completely, for substitutes to worship that will actually talk back to him. He talks to God every day, but it's the men talking in circles back in his room while he and Aemond bicker than answer his prayers. ]
I want to feel a connection more than I want to get off. I don't think that's manipulative.
[ Tim shakes his head, softly. He doesn't want Aemond to ask for anything he doesn't want to receive. ]
You can. If you want them. You're safe with me.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 12:03 pm (UTC)[ now who sounds like a religious nut? he's gone quiet, however. gotten small, in his own way. ]
I am never safe. Nor am I wanted. [ he doesn't want to talk about this anymore. his gaze slowly drifts aside, sharpening at a point somewhere behind tim. ] Do brushes have straps usually, in these gardens?
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 01:37 pm (UTC)Believe it or don't. But that's what family means to me. You invited it.
[ And if he didn't want it? He shouldn't have done it so hastily. No takebacks.
Tim turns quickly on his heel, squinting at something poking out from a bush. He can't fit his glasses properly around the mask, so he's got them on a string around his neck like his grandmother. He raises them so he can actually see more than ten feet from his face. ]
...No, they don't.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 03:08 pm (UTC)it's fairly weighted, for something so quaint.
aemond holds it out for tim to take and inspect. ]
I imagine you'll be more familiar with the contents than I. There is a metal clasp of some sort holding it closed.
no subject
Date: 2024-10-10 04:34 pm (UTC)We have her phone, a perfume, and a bunch of garbage.
[ The phone has a passcode lock. He'll start trying random combinations. ]
I don't know how useful it'll be, but maybe someone who actually knew her could tell us.
we could wrap this one soon?
Date: 2024-10-13 05:27 am (UTC)[ how. why does this place either shrinks things or enlarges them beyond taste? ]
Would the learned folk who inspected the bodies be able to discern anything from the detritus left in her belongings, do you know?
here's probably good!
Date: 2024-10-13 05:33 am (UTC)Maybe. Or someone who actually knows her. We should get back and find out.
🎀 done!
Date: 2024-10-13 02:55 pm (UTC)[ aemond takes the purse from tim, and makes a note to leave it with gideon later. ]
Come on. Mother will want to hear about this.