[ It is a poor substitute. He wants to be held, and not by the men in the room. They've been good to him, and Tim's grateful, but the comfort can only extend so far when they don't know anything about this, and he’s not willing to put that burden on them. ]
I had a dream about you.
[ He pauses, not meaning to let that hang in the air the way it does, but just to breathe, to try to collect himself. ]
Um. [ Swallows. ] About the things I saw. When Alia was controlling me. I could see the things she almost made me do. You were worried enough, so I didn't tell you that part.
Edited (sometimes the next morning you need another sentence idk) Date: 2024-08-28 05:20 pm (UTC)
[ah. that. he'd thought it might be the wolf man, or a nightmare of some kind - but he hadn't expected it to involve him.]
Can't get rid of me even there, huh?
[softly, with affection - because hawk knows how to get tim to crack a smile even when he's being a bit of a pistol.]
I know she didn't mean it but - seeing it from the outside was bizarre enough. You fought off whatever it was though. Nothing happened - I'm fine, and you're safe, and that's all that matters.
[he's quiet for a few moments, hesitant to offer lest the phone click again, but still:]
[ It might have made him smile, even though he shouldn't, even though he's doing his damnedest not to think about Hawk at all, much less dream about him. But he's too exhausted, too rattled right now. ]
I didn't fight anything, it was her. I was gonna break the glass and stab you with it if she'd been just a little less careful. I could feel the blood in my hands.
[ He could see Hawk, gasping for air. And for that brief second, with his mind on a string like a puppet, he'd wanted that. It terrified him so much the first time that Tim sat there, clinging to Hawk's leg like a child for minutes after Alia left, until Hawk helped him up and put him into bed. Now he's got nothing to cling to but the sound of his voice. ]
[oh. yeah, he'd definitely left that part out. there's a small part of him that thinks he'd deserve it now for breaking tim's heart again, whether it's out of desperation to keep him safe or otherwise. there's a pause from him on the other line, a soft exhale.]
It was just a bad dream, Skip. You'd never have let yourself carry it out, you woulda stopped before it got out of hand - I know you. You're a fighter.
[honey rests on the tip of his tongue, but it's too painful around the lump in his throat to get out.]
[ he's just trying to help, Tim knows that, but he doesn't understand. he saw it, but he didn't feel it. Tim's always had self-control. until he met Hawk. ]
No, that's the problem. I can't do 'just for tonight.' You can't do longer than a month. That's it, it's done.
[ It sounds sincere. And he wants it to be, desperately. All the things that he wants, all those same things, ball into a rough lump in his throat. He doesn't believe him. It always sounds sincere, and he always finds a reason to abandon him anyway. ]
Hawk, just...stop. You chose a party invitation over me, and if I let you, you would do it again.
[ He's right, there would be. Is it so wrong, to want to help the person you love? To be involved in his life outside of their bedroom? Tim doesn't think so, which leaves them at an impasse. ]
I know, honey. I’m not asking you to. I want you as far away from this as possible, and it makes this house look too goddamn small, which is really saying something.
[there’s another heavy exhale, this one tinged with some measure of resignation.]
[ A growl, irritated. Not as much as it might be if it weren't three in the morning, but the tiredness just makes him sound weary. Which he is. It feels like they're just going in circles. ]
These vague, horrible things you're talking about, you don't think I deserve to know? So I can prepare? Who's making sure that you don't get hurt? Again.
I'll be fine. I'm bulletproof - remember? Even the wolf man can't keep me down.
[there's some nostalgic in his voice, the sound of a forced smile that wouldn't reach his eyes if he were there. hopefully that holds up mostly true the second time too. of course he understands why tim is worried. but this isn't a risk he's willing to gamble, and if he plays his cards right...it'll be an even better chance at happiness for them.]
Tim, I -
[his grip tightens imperceptibly on the phone, jaw tense even as his voice softens.]
[ What is he doing? He's already confirmed that it was just an awful dream instead of a premonition, or other trick of the house he doesn't know how to name. If they're not together, he should stay out of Hawk's business, or he can't expect Hawk to stay out of his. Tim is always out of Hawk's business though, he keeps him as far away from it as possible. ]
[really, it was almost miraculous the way he'd recovered the first time. it's funny how the idea of dying doesn't phase him nearly as much as exposure might.]
Because...
[he sucks in a breath, sitting up with a rustle of the covers shifting on his bed and pinches the bridge of his nose.]
You may not be waiting for me, but I'm coming back for you. For us.
[ He meant it. At least, he did at the time. Tim's not so sure right now, feeling...not better, now that he's hearing Hawk's voice, and it ratchets the ache in his chest so tight he thinks it might snap, but more at home despite it all. ]
You'll find a reason to leave again. I can't do it.
Then why am I calling you from the hallway right now?
[ They should have been snuggled up together. Hawk should be holding him and stroking his hair back and kissing the nightmares away, not lying to him, again. ]
Then I'm gonna spend the rest of my life kicking myself for losing you. I can't promise you'll be able to get rid of me, but if...if that's what you want, I'd have to let you go.
Christ, Tim. I want you to be happy. And selfishly, I want to be happy too.
I'm trying. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am.
Well, I’m not happy. Because you walked out on me, and you still won’t tell me why.
[ He thinks Hawk would come if he asked him to. It’s tempting. ‘Come over and fix it, it could be so easy, all you have to do is explain yourself, for once.’ Maybe he would try. Say something with just enough truth to it to keep Tim holding on, but not the full story. He wants Hawk to convince him that it’ll be safe to trust him again, not mope around and kick himself. Fight for him. It’s childish, he knows, to expect Hawk to read his mind on this, but is that not what he asks Tim to do, all the time? ]
I told you. I have to keep you safe. There's - something big going on around here. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. A lot of people could get hurt if I don't, including the person at the middle of it.
I have to keep it discreet. I'm not trying to play hero, but there's plenty of good reasons for it.
[his voice softens, wishing he could be there to cup tim's face and stroke at his cheeks or press their foreheads together.]
I'm not giving up on us. I just can't do it all right now.
This has nothing to do with accolades. It's the only way I can keep you safe, don't you get that, Skippy? And maybe you don't like that it isn't mutual, but it's not a risk I'm willing to take.
[he's got to give him something to hang onto. shit.]
I'm bulletproof, remember? I got interrogated my M-Unit on Christmas and came out the other side without a scratch.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-08-28 04:41 am (UTC)I had a dream about you.
[ He pauses, not meaning to let that hang in the air the way it does, but just to breathe, to try to collect himself. ]
Um. [ Swallows. ] About the things I saw. When Alia was controlling me. I could see the things she almost made me do. You were worried enough, so I didn't tell you that part.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-28 11:58 pm (UTC)Can't get rid of me even there, huh?
[softly, with affection - because hawk knows how to get tim to crack a smile even when he's being a bit of a pistol.]
I know she didn't mean it but - seeing it from the outside was bizarre enough. You fought off whatever it was though. Nothing happened - I'm fine, and you're safe, and that's all that matters.
[he's quiet for a few moments, hesitant to offer lest the phone click again, but still:]
Are you...do you need anything?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-29 04:41 am (UTC)I didn't fight anything, it was her. I was gonna break the glass and stab you with it if she'd been just a little less careful. I could feel the blood in my hands.
[ He could see Hawk, gasping for air. And for that brief second, with his mind on a string like a puppet, he'd wanted that. It terrified him so much the first time that Tim sat there, clinging to Hawk's leg like a child for minutes after Alia left, until Hawk helped him up and put him into bed. Now he's got nothing to cling to but the sound of his voice. ]
No. Nothing you can give me.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 03:51 am (UTC)It was just a bad dream, Skip. You'd never have let yourself carry it out, you woulda stopped before it got out of hand - I know you. You're a fighter.
[honey rests on the tip of his tongue, but it's too painful around the lump in his throat to get out.]
Try me. Just for tonight - I'll do it.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 04:10 am (UTC)[ he's just trying to help, Tim knows that, but he doesn't understand. he saw it, but he didn't feel it. Tim's always had self-control. until he met Hawk. ]
No, that's the problem. I can't do 'just for tonight.' You can't do longer than a month. That's it, it's done.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 04:32 am (UTC)[unlike him. fuck.]
It's not about the amount of time. It's not about - wanting to be done. I don't want any of that.
...I still want you every goddamn day. I dream about you too, and I drink because I know I don't get to hold you and wake up to you in the mornings.
Wish I was with you right now.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 04:50 am (UTC)Hawk, just...stop. You chose a party invitation over me, and if I let you, you would do it again.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 04:54 am (UTC)[he’s worried giving tim an inch will mean taking a mile. endless questions and wanting to get involved.]
Something big is going on. I can’t do what I need to if I’m worried about you. I meant it when I said I just - I need some time.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 05:02 am (UTC)I'm not waiting for you.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 05:07 am (UTC)[there’s another heavy exhale, this one tinged with some measure of resignation.]
I’ll try and hurry.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 05:15 am (UTC)[ A growl, irritated. Not as much as it might be if it weren't three in the morning, but the tiredness just makes him sound weary. Which he is. It feels like they're just going in circles. ]
These vague, horrible things you're talking about, you don't think I deserve to know? So I can prepare? Who's making sure that you don't get hurt? Again.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 06:01 pm (UTC)[there's some nostalgic in his voice, the sound of a forced smile that wouldn't reach his eyes if he were there. hopefully that holds up mostly true the second time too. of course he understands why tim is worried. but this isn't a risk he's willing to gamble, and if he plays his cards right...it'll be an even better chance at happiness for them.]
Tim, I -
[his grip tightens imperceptibly on the phone, jaw tense even as his voice softens.]
It's gonna be alright.
[not what he was going to say.]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-31 06:21 pm (UTC)[ What is he doing? He's already confirmed that it was just an awful dream instead of a premonition, or other trick of the house he doesn't know how to name. If they're not together, he should stay out of Hawk's business, or he can't expect Hawk to stay out of his. Tim is always out of Hawk's business though, he keeps him as far away from it as possible. ]
Why should I believe you this time?
no subject
Date: 2024-09-01 11:11 pm (UTC)[really, it was almost miraculous the way he'd recovered the first time. it's funny how the idea of dying doesn't phase him nearly as much as exposure might.]
Because...
[he sucks in a breath, sitting up with a rustle of the covers shifting on his bed and pinches the bridge of his nose.]
You may not be waiting for me, but I'm coming back for you. For us.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-02 01:35 am (UTC)[ He meant it. At least, he did at the time. Tim's not so sure right now, feeling...not better, now that he's hearing Hawk's voice, and it ratchets the ache in his chest so tight he thinks it might snap, but more at home despite it all. ]
You'll find a reason to leave again. I can't do it.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 07:17 pm (UTC)[time has every reason not to believe him, and that's alright. he just - has to get through this.]
I'll prove it to you. You were right - this place is the best shot we got. I'm not unaware of that, okay?
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 07:25 pm (UTC)[ They should have been snuggled up together. Hawk should be holding him and stroking his hair back and kissing the nightmares away, not lying to him, again. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 07:33 pm (UTC)I'm gonna get it right next time, Skippy. I promise.
[he wishes he were there. it's tempting to think about getting up and scouring the hallways until he finds him.]
...You sure I can't help at all? Not now?
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 07:43 pm (UTC)[ The more honest, more vulnerable version of the real question - what if he can't learn to trust him again? ]
Admitting that you messed up doesn't fix it.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 07:49 pm (UTC)Christ, Tim. I want you to be happy. And selfishly, I want to be happy too.
I'm trying. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 10:34 pm (UTC)[ He thinks Hawk would come if he asked him to. It’s tempting. ‘Come over and fix it, it could be so easy, all you have to do is explain yourself, for once.’ Maybe he would try. Say something with just enough truth to it to keep Tim holding on, but not the full story. He wants Hawk to convince him that it’ll be safe to trust him again, not mope around and kick himself. Fight for him. It’s childish, he knows, to expect Hawk to read his mind on this, but is that not what he asks Tim to do, all the time? ]
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 10:46 pm (UTC)I have to keep it discreet. I'm not trying to play hero, but there's plenty of good reasons for it.
[his voice softens, wishing he could be there to cup tim's face and stroke at his cheeks or press their foreheads together.]
I'm not giving up on us. I just can't do it all right now.
I'm sorry.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 10:56 pm (UTC)[ Tim sighs, heavy, the weight of every minute since Hawk left in one exhale. ]
I'm gonna go back to bed.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-04 12:09 am (UTC)[he's got to give him something to hang onto. shit.]
I'm bulletproof, remember? I got interrogated my M-Unit on Christmas and came out the other side without a scratch.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-04 12:25 am (UTC)What does that have to do with this?
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: