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[holyposition]

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[holyposition]

[ Tim had known the outline of this story, but not the details. There's so many wrong conclusions in it, so much misplaced blame and internalized - what, shame? Some of it sounds disturbingly close to his own sense of dirtiness and guilt, things he's working past but that never truly go away. The rest...the excuses for Aegon, the idea that it's sex that makes a man and not his character, the presumption that he should be afraid when Aemond more than anyone has aided him to combat his fears, the fact that it sounds like an apology - they make his heart feel sick and heavy, force him to bite his tongue and let Aemond finish, rather than push back with an interruption for each objectionable thing on the list.

What's worst is that he kneels as if he's confessing a sin, when it's he who has been sinned against. Slowly, Tim pulls his fingers from Aemond's mouth, tucks them underneath his chin, to tilt it up towards him. There's sorrow in his eyes amidst the tenderness, his features creasing into seriousness. ]

Listen to me. It is not a weakness for you to not want something you'd been forced into, when you were young and scared. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.

[ Words mimicked from Hawk, years ago, still repeated when he needs it. Paid forward now. ]

I want you to feel safe with me. That's far, far more important to me than any sex act. You understand that?

cw: mentions of csa, derogatory language to sex workers, downplaying trauma

[provoke]

[ i want you to feel safe with me.

when was the last time he'd ever felt safe? he can't remember. he can't recall a moment when he wasn't thinking about the iron throne, what it meant to himself and his brothers, what it would mean when his father finally died and his sister called upon the oaths of the great houses to honour her as their father's heir. every day is a march towards — what? the crown? the promise of survival, if they prevail in sending rhaenyra to either death or exile?

he's never felt safe without vhagar. and vhagar has not been close to him in many a fortnight now. he doesn't understand what tim is trying to offer him. ]

You could never harm me. You do not have the stomach for that sort of violence.

[ is it confusion, then? does he misunderstand what tim means? there are ways to hurt a person that goes beyond torture or disfigurement. mind games, like his uncle daemon likes to use on his enemies, like larys strong employs in the service of the crown. violations and brutality, the kind that burrows under the fingernails and sticks to the mind's eye.

but even with that knowledge at the forefront, aemond cannot imagine it of tim. he cannot see tim hurting him; there is no desire in him to overpower another, to violate another person's trust. ]

It was a stupid fear. Aegon did not force me. I went with him willingly, he was thinking of me. I wanted to go with him, he rarely asks me to be involved, it was to teach me as an older brother should. He couldn't have known I wouldn't like it. It is my weakness to deal with, that I cannot overcome something so simple as the touch of a whore's mouth.

If you would be patient with me, I could learn. I've never had pressing reason to learn before.

[ do not see me as weak for this. do not make him beg. ]

cws continued let's just assume so all the way down

[holyposition]

That's not what I mean.

[ And he thinks Aemond knows that, but this situation is fraught enough without pointing it out. He doesn't trust so easily, Tim knows, or admit to pain or fear or needing comfort. He could harm him right now, if he had a mind to, by simply getting up and leaving, proving all his walls necessary and all this unprocessed trauma a deal-breaker. Aemond could hurt him too, by deciding his softness isn't worth being vulnerable for, that he doesn't want it or respect it after all.

Tim's not doing any of that, just...holding his hand on the top of Aemond's head, scratching affectionately at his scalp. His voice is low and gentle, not wanting an argument, but firm, assured of the truth of what he's saying. Some points have to be made for his own good, if he'll listen. ]

You didn't do it because you wanted it, you did it to please him. That's not how sex should be, ever. It doesn't make you weak, that you didn't like it.

[ If anything, he's the one begging, for Aemond to take his words to heart, to separate this from all the other things he does for his brother out of loyalty and duty. He has to take a breath and close his eyes, to keep the emotion back, so that he doesn't cry for him.

...but maybe he should. Has anyone, ever? ]

If you want to ease into it, we can. If you don't, that's alright too. Like I said, nothing that you don't want.

[provoke]

You cannot promise me that. You—— What if I refuse you something you truly wanted? Something you deserve to have? Would you think it fair? Is my comfort truly worth depriving yourself so?

[ he doesn't understand it. to him, it's the height of selfishness; to be generous with the self in the face of discomfort is the standard for duty. it demands, and it takes, and one suffers through it if one cannot find it in themselves to love what they are given. his mother had done it for decades, as had his father, as had every single dragon in his family. they have privilege, he knows this, they have more of it than anyone else in the seven kingdoms — but it is power that requires sacrifice.

some discomfort in the marriage bed is a small price to pay for a greater strength, a greater alliance. while tim is no lord or lady of the realm, he has given aemond an unconditional trust. it is a greater gift than many have offered aemond in all his years. why should that not demand sacrifice? he is willing to give it. ]

Should I not want to please, and be raised up for it?

[holyposition]

Hey, come on up here.

[ Patting the bed beside him. He doesn't need to kneel, as if in prayer or reverence. Tim hasn't done anything extraordinary by suggesting that whatever intimacies they partake in should be enjoyable and comfortable for them both. That it puzzles him is a tragedy, one that Tim will work as hard as he can to correct. ]

I don't see it as deprivation. [ Kissing him on his brow, where his scar is, and again on the bottom, at the peak of his cheekbone. ] I need to know my lover is engaged and enjoying himself, or I won't be having fun either. It's important to me, and makes everything feel better, too. So if you don't like it, I won't like doing it with you.

[ It would be selfish of him to ask, especially here, where he has other lovers who would be more than happy to let him suck them off if he were really in the mood for it that badly. Tim likes doing it. He loves doing it, but he meant what he said before. Aemond's comfort, his feelings, and his pleasure are all more important than this one thing. ]

There's lots of ways to make me feel good. You managed just fine yesterday.