[ hawk’s room (petty, that he doesn’t see it as a shared room with tim, even though it is, because hawk’s entire life and being is shared with tim), surprisingly, doesn’t feel like a familiar space despite all the times he’s been in it. when he’s here, he’s mostly focused on one thing, and that one thing leads him straight to the bed, where he spends the rest of his time face down lost in carnal bliss, and any other moments are spent tangled up in the dark trying very hard not to assign meaning to the fact that he hasn’t left yet.
so when his hands slide over polished wood drawers and and golden handles, there’s a faraway — very faraway — thought in his clouded subconscious that he’s never really touched anything in this room before. he’s never touched any of hawk’s things.
the drawers slide open, embry’s eyes a glassy blue as he plucks at neatly rolled ties and velvet boxes of cufflinks and pins. below, there’s underwear, briefs and boxers and these things embry recognizes, because hawk in a state of undress is familiar. his fingers dive into the soft fabric, feeling around until he touches paper, and he shuffles it out, holding it up to find his own handwriting staring him in the face, a letter he wrote while hawk was six feet under that hawk told him he threw away on account of it being stupid. his eyes move unseeingly over the words, even as he hears a door open, even as he hears sudden, sharp words, even as he feels someone grasp his shoulder and forcibly turn him around.
embry doesn’t react, his expression blank, his eyes vacant. ]
[ Tim exits his bathroom stumbling, precious hours removed from the attack. Stable enough to be left alone for however long it takes Hawk to get to the clinic for more supplies, but in no state to brace himself against the side of the dresser and see Embry looting around in there. When is Hawk going to learn to lock that damn door? ]
What are you doing?
[ He asks with gravel in his voice, courtesy of the freakish new strength of Alicent's hands, still outlined in red on his throat. Tim's in his underwear, because he was in bed and only got up to use the bathroom, and sporting all kinds of bruises and bumps. That handprint, a black eye, bruising on his ribs, a bandage on his neck that's bleeding through. Hence the supply run. ]
Hello? Hey!
[ Hawk's underwear drawer? Really? Tim grunts and steps forward, wobbly on his feet like a baby deer, and shoves him. ]
Embry! What the hell? This is a bad time, alright?
[ what is he doing? he crushes the letter in his hands, not wanting to see the words he wrote back when he thought — whatever he thought about hawk, a thing that feels trapped behind stone now, like the rest of his thoughts, like the rest of — whatever he came here to do. garbled yelling strains at his ears. put the letter back. no, why should he? hawk doesn't need this obvious, damning evidence that embry moore once gave a shit about him.
a weight hits his back. he hits the dresser, his hands coming up to block against the heavy wood, shaking it so hard that the lamp tips over and crashes to the floor. he flinches, whirling around to face tim laughlin, in the worst shape of his life.
panic rushes him. no, god, fuck, no. ]
Tim. Holy shit. [ he steps forward, his hands up to steady him. ] I'm — Christ, I'm sorry. I didn't — I didn't mean to hurt you, fuck, I've been blacking out and I don't know what's happening to me. Let me help you.
[ The sad thing is, it's not the worst shape of his life. It's not the worst shape of his last three months, but Embry wasn't here during the wolf games, as he makes so glaringly obvious every time he opens his mouth to speak on it. Tim's ready to reiterate to him that he needs to go, this is a bad time, that he's happy to have peace between them but tonight he really needs Hawk to himself-- and then he starts...speaking nonsense. ]
What are you talking about?
[ Tim blinks, his head tilted slightly, like a puppy. Or someone dealing with dizzy spells after head trauma. Is he confused again, or is Embry insane?
Hard to think when he's tipping over again (or is the room tipping, trying to throw him off like a mechanical bull?), and grabbing for Embry's arm, something to keep him steady. ]
Quit smelling Hawk's underwear and just...walk me to the bed, please.
[ is he confused, or is embry insane? these things are not mutually exclusive.
he's there to make sure tim doesn't fall, guilt sawing at him with all the staggering unknowns pouncing through his mind. he doesn't remember coming here, just like the first time. at least this time he has all his clothes on and he's not in anyone's bed. but it seems so much worse with tim's blood heavy in the air, leading him toward the bed and easing him onto the mattress. ]
Did I do this to you? [ the bed dips as embry leans a knee miserably beside him. ] Tell me the truth. I can't remember anything.
[ Tim mutters a pained 'thank you' as he settles in and pulls the blanket over himself, leans back against the pillows stacked to keep him propped up. ]
No, of course not. How would I be bandaged up already?
[ Softly, more then berating. Tim's blacked out multiple times just today, he can be understanding about it, but... ]
[ embry looks at him, haggard, suddenly exhausted. too exhausted to be as embarrassed as he should be about having just gone through hawk's underwear drawer. he has a lot of kinks, but sniffing his boxers isn't really one of them. ]
I don't know. [ it's the answer to both questions. ] Fuck, you look horrible.
[ he gets up, moving to the broken lamp to begin picking up the pieces, carefully collecting broken glass to chuck into the trash. ]
Did Aemond do that to you?
[ he doesn't look at tim when he asks, his expression pointed darkly to the shattered bulb he's presently picking at. ]
[ Mustering all the firmness he can, because it's true first of all, but also, he doesn't need Embry yapping about that theory to anyone else. Who would he tell? Hell if Tim knows, but he's not the only person he's had to defend Aemond to. ]
It looks worse than it is. I'm okay. Hawk should be back any minute.
[ He pulls a mug of tea towards him, which is getting cold now. During the murder games he nearly succumbed to, he started to hate the taste. It brings him right back there, only Embry is alive and Alicent isn't helping him investigate. What a mess. ]
Thank you. For...picking up. [ It's Tim's fault for shoving him, but if he bends over, he might puke. ] You said you've been blacking out?
You don't have to sound so defensive about it. [ tetchy. ] It's a pretty obvious guess.
[ that boy can't be trusted. but he isn't here to argue aemond's virtue, which he wouldn't do on any day, good or bad (he doesn't have any). ]
Well, there's no way that Hawk busted you up like this, so what're you trying to hide?
[ he carries the wastebasket to the door, leaving it out of the way before he turns around, genuine concern on his face and more than a little discomfort. he's well aware that to even begin getting answers, he has to give some of his own, and frankly, the burden is getting harder to bear. ash knows the bulk of it, of course. hawk knows some of it, but he doesn't want him to know that it's happened more than once, or how bad it's getting. and tim? tim just watched it happen, so it's not like he can just walk out and pretend this moment was make-believe. ]
Since I died. It's sleepwalking, I think. [ he knows that much. ] You'll be happy to hear that I'm ninety percent sure I'm an abomination now. Biblically.
What do you mean, hide? This is my own room, and it's the middle of the night.
[ A normal place to be. Remember normal, Embry? Don't answer that.
Tim watches him, fully aware that he's being both defensive and evasive. It's hard, when he's not sure what the right thing to do is. Before she almost crushed his windpipe to dust, Alicent asked him not to tell anyone he saw her, because they'd look for her and get hurt. The rationale was...sound enough, for the state she was in. There's an angry knee-jerk urge, to defy his orders, to refuse to give into the same paternalistic crap he was so mad at Hawk and Aemond about.
His teeth catch his lip to keep it at bay. Maybe he can wrangle some good out of this if he keeps his mouth shut. ]
...why would I be happy to hear that? [ Brows scrunching, shaking his head - slowly - in confusion. ] I've never wished any misfortune on you.
[ Except for not getting dick from Hawk, a fate worse than most forms of torture, actually. ]
[ no, actually. he hasn't been normal for fifteen years.
it's strange, the halting look in tim's eyes. normally, he wouldn't think much of it. but normally, tim doesn't look like he went three rounds with a doorknob and lost.
that gets a snort out of him. ]
I know we're in a semi-decent place right now, but you don't have to lay it on that thick.
[ never wished any misfortune? never? embry finds that difficult to believe, but maybe it's because tim religiously (heh) reads his bible and lets hawk fuck him on the regular. not that different from ash, except ash is the one doing the fucking.
he feels a little pang of guilt, when he thinks about how ash hasn't really touched his bible since embry got back. ]
Don't tell Hawk. I mean, he knows. It happened once before. But I don't want him to know it's happening before I can figure out if this really is a pattern or just — a manifestation of all the bullshit that's been going on. [ he finally gives in, bridging the few steps between them and coming to sit on the edge of the bed, uninvited. ] Whatever happened to you... I'll keep your secret. You know I only care about a handful of people in this place anyway.
What? Is that so hard to believe? I don't like being angry, and there's people that deserve it way more than you. [ Danny, Eddie, their violent, crazy friends. Daemon. Hell, Hawk would say he's well within his rights to be furious with Alicent now, even if he can't bring himself to feel it. ] Maybe...briefly, I wished Ash would dump you, actually. But only briefly.
[ He gets a snort back - that's an easier concession than giving Alicent away. But actual bodily harm, or...bizarre, unholy transformation? No, he would never be glad for that. The number of times he's had to talk Aemond down from stabbing him in the gut or dangling him out of a window should be a solid enough record on that.
Attentively, Tim listens to him, eyes locked on Embry even as he reaches for a half-full glass of water at his bedside. ]
I won't tell him. [ If Embry stays too much longer, he won't need to. ]
[ He knows Embry keeps the list of people he gives a damn about pretty small, and as he's unwilling to ask if he's on it, he sidesteps the question, keeping the focus on Embry. If he isn't, he won't go back on his word for him. ]
Do you think it's the house? Or just...the trauma of being killed?
[ he wants to laugh, and almost does, rubbing blearily at his eyes. ]
If Ash had any sense, he would have by now.
[ instead, he gave him a ring, the ring that embry has wondered about for years and years since he turned it down, twice, chaining him to his side. there's no other future he wants, and yet he's less deserving of it now than he was the first time, and he was hardly deserving of it then, either. ]
I don't know. Both, I think. [ a pause, as hawk's corpse flashes through his memory. ] I don't think anyone who's died should've really come back. Because there might be something wrong with all of us. If I believed in souls, I would say they're damaged in a way that probably can't be repaired. Now I don't know what to believe, since I also don't believe in crawling out of your own grave.
What the hell happened to you, Tim? If you're not gonna tell me, just say you're not gonna tell me. Though you're an asshole for it, because you know I'm not the one having pillow talks around here.
[ Tim chuckles at that, already regretting the thought for being mean-spirited, but every so often, the self-deprecation can be charming. If he happens to agree ahead of time. This isn't so horrible, he thinks, probably still delirious from knocking his head on that table. As far as Embry showing up in his room in the middle of the night, probably the best possible scenario. ]
...yeah. [ Quietly agreeing, settling back against the pillows and reaching for the cross nestled in his chest hair, twisting it absent-mindedly around his finger. ] I thought this was purgatory, for a long time. And then you were killed, and Danny didn't go anywhere. If we're here to cleanse our souls, and we choose instead to murder people, that should be the answer, right? You should leave, you should go to Hell. So... [ With a sigh. Let's not talk about how this applies to Hawk, too. ] I don't know what to believe, either.
I'll tell you. But not right now. [ When Alicent is normal again, when it's not as good as sending him out to meet the same abuse. ] But you're the asshole, sleepwalking into my room and demanding answers.
It's not purgatory. You can't make excuses for the same behaviors that you know would happen back home, if people could get away with it. [ brows pinched, he looks away. ] That includes me. I'd have gone after Danny for stalking me if I wasn't being watched by the Secret Service every hour of the day. I haven't become a different person here. I've always been exactly the kind of man you see.
[ warped and empty, born without a conscience or a heart or a soul. tim couldn't be further away on the spectrum, a heart too big and too forgiving, one that will always, always get hurt. ]
"The devil stands ready to fall upon them and seize them as his own, at what moment God shall permit him." [ embry looks up, meeting tim's eyes. ] Jonathan Edwards. And no, I don't believe this shit. I just read a lot. But it feels like something else has a hold of me, when I'm just — gone. I close my eyes and I wake up and I'm somewhere I don't remember going, having done something I don't remember doing. Ending up with you was the best I could hope for.
[ he stands abruptly, as if remembering that he is somewhere he never intended to be, and tim did say hawk should be back any minute — exactly the last person he wants to see. ]
Yeah, sure. Do you want me to get anything for you before I go?
[ truthfully, he hasn’t completely let go of the purgatory theory. There's a part of him that counters his own argument, that says God’s own reasoning for doing what He does is not for Tim to know, that it’s hubris to assume that his mortal notions of logic or reason should have anything to do with His divine will. There’s another part of him that wishes desperately to be wrong, to think it can be possible to take this temporary happiness and bring it home, make it truly real.
It’s been six months. It’s starting to feel like they’ll never know for sure, and the ache in his head is too strong in the wake of Alicent’s beating to contemplate it any further. ]
Thanks, I guess. [ Tim’s not interested in fighting or fucking him, so it probably is the best case scenario. ] Will you tell me if it happens again? Maybe we can figure out a pattern, or something.
[ He doesn’t want to keep him, especially since he hadn’t intended on dropping by in the first place, but he gives an honest answer, waving vaguely towards the bathroom door. ]
A couple aspirin, if you don’t mind? They’ll be in the medicine cabinet.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
— january sleepwalking.
Date: 2025-01-01 04:02 pm (UTC)so when his hands slide over polished wood drawers and and golden handles, there’s a faraway — very faraway — thought in his clouded subconscious that he’s never really touched anything in this room before. he’s never touched any of hawk’s things.
the drawers slide open, embry’s eyes a glassy blue as he plucks at neatly rolled ties and velvet boxes of cufflinks and pins. below, there’s underwear, briefs and boxers and these things embry recognizes, because hawk in a state of undress is familiar. his fingers dive into the soft fabric, feeling around until he touches paper, and he shuffles it out, holding it up to find his own handwriting staring him in the face, a letter he wrote while hawk was six feet under that hawk told him he threw away on account of it being stupid. his eyes move unseeingly over the words, even as he hears a door open, even as he hears sudden, sharp words, even as he feels someone grasp his shoulder and forcibly turn him around.
embry doesn’t react, his expression blank, his eyes vacant. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-02 12:00 am (UTC)What are you doing?
[ He asks with gravel in his voice, courtesy of the freakish new strength of Alicent's hands, still outlined in red on his throat. Tim's in his underwear, because he was in bed and only got up to use the bathroom, and sporting all kinds of bruises and bumps. That handprint, a black eye, bruising on his ribs, a bandage on his neck that's bleeding through. Hence the supply run. ]
Hello? Hey!
[ Hawk's underwear drawer? Really? Tim grunts and steps forward, wobbly on his feet like a baby deer, and shoves him. ]
Embry! What the hell? This is a bad time, alright?
no subject
Date: 2025-01-02 03:22 am (UTC)a weight hits his back. he hits the dresser, his hands coming up to block against the heavy wood, shaking it so hard that the lamp tips over and crashes to the floor. he flinches, whirling around to face tim laughlin, in the worst shape of his life.
panic rushes him. no, god, fuck, no. ]
Tim. Holy shit. [ he steps forward, his hands up to steady him. ] I'm — Christ, I'm sorry. I didn't — I didn't mean to hurt you, fuck, I've been blacking out and I don't know what's happening to me. Let me help you.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-02 05:34 am (UTC)What are you talking about?
[ Tim blinks, his head tilted slightly, like a puppy. Or someone dealing with dizzy spells after head trauma. Is he confused again, or is Embry insane?
Hard to think when he's tipping over again (or is the room tipping, trying to throw him off like a mechanical bull?), and grabbing for Embry's arm, something to keep him steady. ]
Quit smelling Hawk's underwear and just...walk me to the bed, please.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-03 11:52 pm (UTC)he's there to make sure tim doesn't fall, guilt sawing at him with all the staggering unknowns pouncing through his mind. he doesn't remember coming here, just like the first time. at least this time he has all his clothes on and he's not in anyone's bed. but it seems so much worse with tim's blood heavy in the air, leading him toward the bed and easing him onto the mattress. ]
Did I do this to you? [ the bed dips as embry leans a knee miserably beside him. ] Tell me the truth. I can't remember anything.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-04 12:32 am (UTC)No, of course not. How would I be bandaged up already?
[ Softly, more then berating. Tim's blacked out multiple times just today, he can be understanding about it, but... ]
What are you doing here?
no subject
Date: 2025-01-04 03:13 am (UTC)I don't know. [ it's the answer to both questions. ] Fuck, you look horrible.
[ he gets up, moving to the broken lamp to begin picking up the pieces, carefully collecting broken glass to chuck into the trash. ]
Did Aemond do that to you?
[ he doesn't look at tim when he asks, his expression pointed darkly to the shattered bulb he's presently picking at. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-04 05:25 am (UTC)[ Mustering all the firmness he can, because it's true first of all, but also, he doesn't need Embry yapping about that theory to anyone else. Who would he tell? Hell if Tim knows, but he's not the only person he's had to defend Aemond to. ]
It looks worse than it is. I'm okay. Hawk should be back any minute.
[ He pulls a mug of tea towards him, which is getting cold now. During the murder games he nearly succumbed to, he started to hate the taste. It brings him right back there, only Embry is alive and Alicent isn't helping him investigate. What a mess. ]
Thank you. For...picking up. [ It's Tim's fault for shoving him, but if he bends over, he might puke. ] You said you've been blacking out?
no subject
Date: 2025-01-05 03:06 am (UTC)[ that boy can't be trusted. but he isn't here to argue aemond's virtue, which he wouldn't do on any day, good or bad (he doesn't have any). ]
Well, there's no way that Hawk busted you up like this, so what're you trying to hide?
[ he carries the wastebasket to the door, leaving it out of the way before he turns around, genuine concern on his face and more than a little discomfort. he's well aware that to even begin getting answers, he has to give some of his own, and frankly, the burden is getting harder to bear. ash knows the bulk of it, of course. hawk knows some of it, but he doesn't want him to know that it's happened more than once, or how bad it's getting. and tim? tim just watched it happen, so it's not like he can just walk out and pretend this moment was make-believe. ]
Since I died. It's sleepwalking, I think. [ he knows that much. ] You'll be happy to hear that I'm ninety percent sure I'm an abomination now. Biblically.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-07 02:35 am (UTC)[ A normal place to be. Remember normal, Embry? Don't answer that.
Tim watches him, fully aware that he's being both defensive and evasive. It's hard, when he's not sure what the right thing to do is. Before she almost crushed his windpipe to dust, Alicent asked him not to tell anyone he saw her, because they'd look for her and get hurt. The rationale was...sound enough, for the state she was in. There's an angry knee-jerk urge, to defy his orders, to refuse to give into the same paternalistic crap he was so mad at Hawk and Aemond about.
His teeth catch his lip to keep it at bay. Maybe he can wrangle some good out of this if he keeps his mouth shut. ]
...why would I be happy to hear that? [ Brows scrunching, shaking his head - slowly - in confusion. ] I've never wished any misfortune on you.
[ Except for not getting dick from Hawk, a fate worse than most forms of torture, actually. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 04:06 am (UTC)it's strange, the halting look in tim's eyes. normally, he wouldn't think much of it. but normally, tim doesn't look like he went three rounds with a doorknob and lost.
that gets a snort out of him. ]
I know we're in a semi-decent place right now, but you don't have to lay it on that thick.
[ never wished any misfortune? never? embry finds that difficult to believe, but maybe it's because tim religiously (heh) reads his bible and lets hawk fuck him on the regular. not that different from ash, except ash is the one doing the fucking.
he feels a little pang of guilt, when he thinks about how ash hasn't really touched his bible since embry got back. ]
Don't tell Hawk. I mean, he knows. It happened once before. But I don't want him to know it's happening before I can figure out if this really is a pattern or just — a manifestation of all the bullshit that's been going on. [ he finally gives in, bridging the few steps between them and coming to sit on the edge of the bed, uninvited. ] Whatever happened to you... I'll keep your secret. You know I only care about a handful of people in this place anyway.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-08 08:02 pm (UTC)[ He gets a snort back - that's an easier concession than giving Alicent away. But actual bodily harm, or...bizarre, unholy transformation? No, he would never be glad for that. The number of times he's had to talk Aemond down from stabbing him in the gut or dangling him out of a window should be a solid enough record on that.
Attentively, Tim listens to him, eyes locked on Embry even as he reaches for a half-full glass of water at his bedside. ]
I won't tell him. [ If Embry stays too much longer, he won't need to. ]
[ He knows Embry keeps the list of people he gives a damn about pretty small, and as he's unwilling to ask if he's on it, he sidesteps the question, keeping the focus on Embry. If he isn't, he won't go back on his word for him. ]
Do you think it's the house? Or just...the trauma of being killed?
no subject
Date: 2025-01-10 09:37 pm (UTC)If Ash had any sense, he would have by now.
[ instead, he gave him a ring, the ring that embry has wondered about for years and years since he turned it down, twice, chaining him to his side. there's no other future he wants, and yet he's less deserving of it now than he was the first time, and he was hardly deserving of it then, either. ]
I don't know. Both, I think. [ a pause, as hawk's corpse flashes through his memory. ] I don't think anyone who's died should've really come back. Because there might be something wrong with all of us. If I believed in souls, I would say they're damaged in a way that probably can't be repaired. Now I don't know what to believe, since I also don't believe in crawling out of your own grave.
What the hell happened to you, Tim? If you're not gonna tell me, just say you're not gonna tell me. Though you're an asshole for it, because you know I'm not the one having pillow talks around here.
no subject
Date: 2025-01-11 06:36 pm (UTC)...yeah. [ Quietly agreeing, settling back against the pillows and reaching for the cross nestled in his chest hair, twisting it absent-mindedly around his finger. ] I thought this was purgatory, for a long time. And then you were killed, and Danny didn't go anywhere. If we're here to cleanse our souls, and we choose instead to murder people, that should be the answer, right? You should leave, you should go to Hell. So... [ With a sigh. Let's not talk about how this applies to Hawk, too. ] I don't know what to believe, either.
I'll tell you. But not right now. [ When Alicent is normal again, when it's not as good as sending him out to meet the same abuse. ] But you're the asshole, sleepwalking into my room and demanding answers.
[ There's no anger behind it. But be serious. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-01-12 01:02 am (UTC)[ warped and empty, born without a conscience or a heart or a soul. tim couldn't be further away on the spectrum, a heart too big and too forgiving, one that will always, always get hurt. ]
"The devil stands ready to fall upon them and seize them as his own, at what moment God shall permit him." [ embry looks up, meeting tim's eyes. ] Jonathan Edwards. And no, I don't believe this shit. I just read a lot. But it feels like something else has a hold of me, when I'm just — gone. I close my eyes and I wake up and I'm somewhere I don't remember going, having done something I don't remember doing. Ending up with you was the best I could hope for.
[ he stands abruptly, as if remembering that he is somewhere he never intended to be, and tim did say hawk should be back any minute — exactly the last person he wants to see. ]
Yeah, sure. Do you want me to get anything for you before I go?
🎀
Date: 2025-01-16 04:22 pm (UTC)It’s been six months. It’s starting to feel like they’ll never know for sure, and the ache in his head is too strong in the wake of Alicent’s beating to contemplate it any further. ]
Thanks, I guess. [ Tim’s not interested in fighting or fucking him, so it probably is the best case scenario. ] Will you tell me if it happens again? Maybe we can figure out a pattern, or something.
[ He doesn’t want to keep him, especially since he hadn’t intended on dropping by in the first place, but he gives an honest answer, waving vaguely towards the bathroom door. ]
A couple aspirin, if you don’t mind? They’ll be in the medicine cabinet.
Have a good night, Embry.