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[holyposition]

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t.laughlin

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[mygoodsir]

Soft, Tim. Soft.

I am not sure if he meant to imply that. Maybe he did. I do know he loves you.

As do I.

[holyposition]

He didn't imply it. He said it, outright, in front of everyone.

He loves fucking me. He hates everything that I believe in, all of my values, and all of my goals. When he asks you how I'm doing, don't tell him anything.

[mygoodsir]

I did not see the word, but I was a bit busy. Regardless, he had no reason to talk down to you. I believe he was wrong to do so.

I am not certain that's true.

Tim, I think you frighten him.

[holyposition]

Thank you.

Frighten him? Why would I frighten him?

[mygoodsir]

Because you live authentically. It is a difficult thing to do that; most men spend their lives hiding their true selves.

Too, you are fast to put yourself in harm's way. That is frightening as it increases the chances of losing you or seeing you hurt. Surely you understand that.

[holyposition]

From the day I learned that it was possible, I was committed to living this way. He's known that for more than a year, now. We agreed that if we ever went home, we would help fight to make it possible to do the same there. If he isn't ready to do that, he needs to make that clear. I won't go back. Not for anyone.

Nothing can change if everyone's afraid to say something. Someone has to. I'm not stupid, I know it'll be dangerous and difficult.

[mygoodsir]

Nobody can make you go back, my darling.

I know you're not stupid. But you can be impulsive, which is a trait common to brave men.

[holyposition]

He'd try. And I knew he wouldn't be ready, I just deluded myself into hoping otherwise.

See? You're able to say it without making me feel small. He could try being supportive instead of telling me to sit down and shut up.

[mygoodsir]

But you love him.

On this we agree.
But you were putting yourself in danger, Tim.

When I came back to our tent, and you were not here, I thought perhaps you'd been hurt.

[holyposition]

Maybe that's not enough.

Respectfully, I think you're being overly protective. If he were to attack another person based on the comments to that post, it would probably be the slayer girls, or Dean. They might actually pose a thread to him.

[mygoodsir]

You two won't be pulled apart.

I probably am.

Will you be staying away tonight? With Koby and Shanks?

[holyposition]

We don't need to be, we pull ourselves apart. You met us during our longest good stretch. This always happens. It's time for me to grow a backbone.

I want to be with you.

[mygoodsir]

I hate to see you fight so.

Good. I was worried you would not.

[holyposition]

And I hate doing it. If my dream for the future is that exhausting to him, I won't have to do it anymore.

Of course I do, Harry. I'll be home soon.

I'm sorry to have caused a scene. I didn't mean to distract you from helping her.

[mygoodsir]

I don't think it's exhausting to him. He just doesn't have your conviction.

You didn't. And unlike some people, you've the excuse of being young to explain any thoughtlessness.

[holyposition]

It is, he said as much. I don't need him to be as passionate about it as I am, but I need a partner. Not someone who's watching the clock until I'm finished and he can pat me on the head and say how cute it is that I care about things.

It wasn't thoughtless. I'd stand by anything I said this morning.

[mygoodsir]

I see.
You deserve a partner. On that we agree.

I meant focusing on who started an argument at an inappropriate time.

Tim, you always stand by what you say. It is most admirable, provided you never let it make you rigid.

[holyposition]

Were you serious when you said you wanted to come home with me?

Okay. Everything except for that. Sorry.

I've learned and budged on so much, Harry. On magic, and vampires, and McCarthy, and everything outside of heterosexual monogamy that lets us be together. But he doesn't see that, he's too busy being disappointed that I won't abandon God.

[mygoodsir]

Of course I was.

It's alright. I'm less cross with you about it than I am him. He ought to know better.

What? Is THAT what the crux of the issue is?

[holyposition]

Thank you.

How can I make it up to you? I don't want you to be upset with me. I can't take any more.

I don’t know if it's the crux of the issue, exactly, but he hasn't respected it from the start. The morals he finds so boring and irritating mostly come from that. My conviction comes from that. The way I move through the world comes from that. The hope that this place is more than an endless torture chamber which keeps me going comes from that. I would be a different person completely.

[mygoodsir]

Did you think I'd changed my mind?

You don't have to. Honestly, Tim, it's alright.

I admit I have a difficult time understanding why he's so bothered; surely he was raised a Christian, as was I. We may not be the best examples of the faith, but still.

More to the point I don't know how anyone who has known you longer than five minutes could fail to recognise how strongly you feel.

[holyposition]

No. I’m sorry. I don’t want to project all of my problems with him onto you, I’m just shaken up.

He’s bothered because he can’t stand that I answer to something other than him. He’s a control freak.

[mygoodsir]

I understand.

I had noticed that, yes. But you cannot control another man and expect him to truly live.

[holyposition]

Exactly.

Thank you for understanding. It means a lot to me.

[mygoodsir]

I try my best.

Now, don't mistake understanding for approval. I do still wish you'd not make yourself a target for angry vampires.

Do you think he's alright? Armand, that is. He did not look well.