[ A long pause between messages, because, while she probably knows, or at least suspects, that there’s more to his relationship with Hawk than being colleagues, she’s been polite enough not to call it out or make her judgement known. To answer her question feels like an admission, and Alicent, despite coming from another world entirely, reminds him of home in ways that are mostly comforting. But back there, he’s never admitted it to anyone but his priest and people that he’s positive share the same proclivities. ]
[ as much as she can, without the all pieces. tim had seemed so happy, when she stayed with him in the lockdown. contented and adored by a man who named him acquaintance.
[ Tim waits before he replies. Letting it sink in. He doesn't know if it's a slip or a confession, but either way it's...complicated. He's glad to know her, to have someone in his life who understands having these feelings despite their faith, living in a place different from this one, that makes acting on them difficult to impossible. To have that solidarity soothes him.
To know that she might have this same black hole in her, this endless pull of longing and foolish hopes that swallows the rest of her, takes that comfort right back. ]
Are you sure?
For me, it's not that the love is gone. He needs to hide it. But I can't.
[ He doesn't need to specify he, probably, but he chooses to. A trade of secrets, a comparison of bruises. ]
[ he, her assumptions made explicit. her agony, echoed and doubled in his heart. she thinks of embry and his ash, then, wondering if the manor drinks of their pain like wine.
is it harder, to see the love and be unable to grasp it — or to think it gone from this world forever? ]
I wish I could give you greater solace, at this impasse.
[ she understands the shame, the fear that plagues tim and hawk both. for it was her most gallant knight who crushed the knight of kisses’ skull. her own viperous tongue, which mocked ser laenor for his failure to give the princess children. there is no room in westeros for her treacherous heart. and nowhere else to go, when her role is there. when her sweet daughter — ]
Here or there, it matters not. When her mother died, her father took me to wife, and now my sons lay claim to the throne that might have been hers. Tell me thus: Would you love your enemy?
[ That's...medieval court drama, he'd suppose. Tim isn't so naive that he thought a woman of her age and position, with adult sons had married for love, but the real love being his daughter? That's brutal. A scandal regardless of whether all involved are the appropriate sex. It makes him feel guilty for his own complaining, the stakes of which are no higher than his own heart. ]
"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" From the book of Matthew.
I don't think that the love we're talking about is as active a choice. We can only choose if we act on it.
If she were here, would you? Away from home, and the politics, and the scandal it would be?
[ perhaps tim’s god is right. if she had been kinder from the start and raised her boys to love their half-sister — in truth, nothing would change, not with a council of men that will not see a woman rule, and the succession in turmoil since viserys made her second wife, cold queen, mother to usurpers.
but at least rhaenyra would know that she did not want this. ]
You may have the truth of it.
[ that they cannot choose whether to feel this love, only if they seize it. the last time she chose rhaenyra still chafes, with her foolishness — her father stripped of his station. if she were to do so again, she knows the price would be higher. an eye for an eye, a son for a son. ]
I thought I saw her the night of the wolf. The dream of a girl, seeking absolution.
I would go to her, if she appeared, although I do not know what that would entail. It has not been so simple for you and your love, even outwith the confines of your world.
[ he knows that it is no choice, because if it were, he wouldn’t be in this mess, this heartache, this purgatory in the first place. If he could have chosen to be normal, he would have. A love that he could bring home for Christmas, a marriage in a church, a family of his own. It would have been so much easier than the lying and the fear, the ticking of the clock in his ear. He's young enough that his mother is the only one questioning why he hasn’t settled down, but Hawk has a decade on him. The ticking is louder. It's a pounding on the door, and again, he’s chosen to toss Tim out and barricade it rather than risk anyone seeing him in there with him.
He did choose to smile back at the handsome stranger on election night. He chose to give him his number in the park, he chose to open his door, let him touch him, awaken the enormity of the desire that Tim thought he had under control. He chose, he chose, he chose. Whether their souls had been woven together by God or by him, he’d wanted it, and he wants it still. ]
It hasn’t been simple, no. but I don’t regret that I tried. This was our best shot.
[ a boy little older than her sons, with greater maturity than he realises. why should the gods allow him to suffer this way, when he has been naught but kind? ]
I have said your heart is gentle before, Tim, but I fear I have neglected to note its bravery.
[ What with the wolfman incident. No, that’s got nothing to do with his heart, necessarily, but he feels the need to downplay it. It doesn’t feel brave to abandon his suite and move into Koby’s, just so that he won’t have to face the traces of Hawk, or to spend a few hours losing himself in something meaningless at Otherworld, dirtying his soul just to distract from the ache. He feels small and weak, like keeping up the resolve to say no might be more painful than the next rejection, the next disappointment, the next lie. ]
No. I shouldn’t have lied, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to see me like this.
[ Not brave. Not honorable, after the things he’d said in their fight. Self-indulgent in his misery and the pleasure he's chased to cleanse himself of it, to no avail. Not presentable. Or so he'd thought, until once again, they've revealed themselves to be more similar than should even be possible, considering the drastic differences in their experiences. ]
I can see you tonight. Since I've said too much already. You can tell me about her.
You’re not the first young man to cover his pride and sorrow with a lie. You will certainly not be the last.
[ a laugh bubbles over, despite the tightness in her throat and wetness in her eyes. ]
I can only imagine she would frustrate you as she has vexed me. [ uncaring of the faith, the family, the law, and untouched by consequence. the realm’s delight. ] She would not countenance our studies or prayers unless I begged it of her.
[ and yet she kept the page rhaenyra tore from her book for decades, locked in a box beneath her bed. ]
Come to my rooms, when you’ve gathered yourself. I’ve quite the gentleman for a neighbour.
[ so they won’t be bothered, and tim won’t have to return to the space he shares with hawk. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 06:21 pm (UTC)Do you know what you were running from?
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Date: 2024-08-26 06:40 pm (UTC)Yes.
It was more of a ‘who’ than a ‘what’.’
[...a half-admission, then. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 07:08 pm (UTC)[ as much as she can, without the all pieces. tim had seemed so happy, when she stayed with him in the lockdown. contented and adored by a man who named him acquaintance.
not so, now. ]
Are you running still, in this place?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 07:20 pm (UTC)There's nowhere to run.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 07:46 pm (UTC)[ she hates that she thinks of rhaenyra now, cleaning her bloodied fingernails and lacing her wedding dress with shaky hands. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 08:06 pm (UTC)have you ever felt like that?
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Date: 2024-08-26 08:33 pm (UTC)My whole life. It’s as if you plucked the words from my heart.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 08:43 pm (UTC)the same?
[ Another person. ]
How do you do it?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 08:55 pm (UTC)Yes.
At least in part.
[ a beat, then. ]
I don’t, I’m afraid.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 09:03 pm (UTC)This thing that you want, and that you feel like you have to run from. Is it bad for you?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 09:19 pm (UTC)[ but — ]
I am a woman grown and widowed. What I want would damn my children.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 09:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 09:34 pm (UTC)You are yourself, and that is no small victory.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 09:40 pm (UTC)I hope that it isn't the same for you.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 09:50 pm (UTC)[ for some, it is. ]
I do not believe you deserving of such hurt, if that is any comfort.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 10:19 pm (UTC)What you want, does it want you back?
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Date: 2024-08-26 10:28 pm (UTC)[ the pursuit of pain. the relief and familiarity of it. ]
Any love she once felt for me has withered.
[ she. a slip-up. a confession. ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 10:57 pm (UTC)To know that she might have this same black hole in her, this endless pull of longing and foolish hopes that swallows the rest of her, takes that comfort right back. ]
Are you sure?
For me, it's not that the love is gone. He needs to hide it. But I can't.
[ He doesn't need to specify he, probably, but he chooses to. A trade of secrets, a comparison of bruises. ]
Is she here?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-26 11:36 pm (UTC)is it harder, to see the love and be unable to grasp it — or to think it gone from this world forever? ]
I wish I could give you greater solace, at this impasse.
[ she understands the shame, the fear that plagues tim and hawk both. for it was her most gallant knight who crushed the knight of kisses’ skull. her own viperous tongue, which mocked ser laenor for his failure to give the princess children. there is no room in westeros for her treacherous heart. and nowhere else to go, when her role is there. when her sweet daughter — ]
Here or there, it matters not. When her mother died, her father took me to wife, and now my sons lay claim to the throne that might have been hers. Tell me thus: Would you love your enemy?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-27 12:20 am (UTC)"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"
From the book of Matthew.
I don't think that the love we're talking about is as active a choice. We can only choose if we act on it.
If she were here, would you? Away from home, and the politics, and the scandal it would be?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-27 11:27 am (UTC)but at least rhaenyra would know that she did not want this. ]
You may have the truth of it.
[ that they cannot choose whether to feel this love, only if they seize it. the last time she chose rhaenyra still chafes, with her foolishness — her father stripped of his station. if she were to do so again, she knows the price would be higher. an eye for an eye, a son for a son. ]
I thought I saw her the night of the wolf. The dream of a girl, seeking absolution.
I would go to her, if she appeared, although I do not know what that would entail. It has not been so simple for you and your love, even outwith the confines of your world.
[ why should it be for her? ]
no subject
Date: 2024-08-27 03:42 pm (UTC)He did choose to smile back at the handsome stranger on election night. He chose to give him his number in the park, he chose to open his door, let him touch him, awaken the enormity of the desire that Tim thought he had under control. He chose, he chose, he chose. Whether their souls had been woven together by God or by him, he’d wanted it, and he wants it still. ]
It hasn’t been simple, no. but I don’t regret that I tried. This was our best shot.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-27 06:19 pm (UTC)I have said your heart is gentle before, Tim, but I fear I have neglected to note its bravery.
I’m sorry.
[ a beat. ]
Are you truly busy this night?
no subject
Date: 2024-08-27 07:18 pm (UTC)[ What with the wolfman incident. No, that’s got nothing to do with his heart, necessarily, but he feels the need to downplay it. It doesn’t feel brave to abandon his suite and move into Koby’s, just so that he won’t have to face the traces of Hawk, or to spend a few hours losing himself in something meaningless at Otherworld, dirtying his soul just to distract from the ache. He feels small and weak, like keeping up the resolve to say no might be more painful than the next rejection, the next disappointment, the next lie. ]
No. I shouldn’t have lied, I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to see me like this.
[ Not brave. Not honorable, after the things he’d said in their fight. Self-indulgent in his misery and the pleasure he's chased to cleanse himself of it, to no avail. Not presentable. Or so he'd thought, until once again, they've revealed themselves to be more similar than should even be possible, considering the drastic differences in their experiences. ]
I can see you tonight. Since I've said too much already. You can tell me about her.
no subject
Date: 2024-08-27 07:43 pm (UTC)[ a laugh bubbles over, despite the tightness in her throat and wetness in her eyes. ]
I can only imagine she would frustrate you as she has vexed me. [ uncaring of the faith, the family, the law, and untouched by consequence. the realm’s delight. ] She would not countenance our studies or prayers unless I begged it of her.
[ and yet she kept the page rhaenyra tore from her book for decades, locked in a box beneath her bed. ]
Come to my rooms, when you’ve gathered yourself. I’ve quite the gentleman for a neighbour.
[ so they won’t be bothered, and tim won’t have to return to the space he shares with hawk. ]
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