Tim - listen to me. I want you back more than anything. I've been bending over backwards to prove it.
But I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage now. That I forced your hand, or tried to manipulate you. I'm not - I didn't want to rush this.
[it would be so easy to say yes. the fact that he hasn't should be proof enough of how much soul-searching he's been trying to do, how important tim's autonomy is and always has been, even if it's felt like hawk doesn't respect it.]
You didn't want me back yesterday. You were still thinking it over. And I wanted to make sure you knew I'd wait as long as you needed me to.
[that desperation in tim's voice rips at him, more painful and blistering than even the hottest of the burns in that goddamn wolf's head. he doesn't want him to beg - doesn't want him to give up on the hard lines he's set in the relationship for his own sake. and more than anything - he doesn't want to hurt him again. christ, it feels like being stuck in a rock and a hard place. like staring down the barrel of the proverbial gun again, ears ringing like he's waiting for a round from that krupp k-5.]
I'm not saying the past means nothing. I know it's hard to let go of. But...we'd both have to give each other some grace. And decide if we still want to go slow, or what - if we're ready for anything else.
I can't hurt you again, Skippy. I won't do it. And right now, I don't know if staying or going would do that more.
[but he's supposed to be the one pulling the strings, isn't he? that's how it used to be - hawk saying jump, and tim saying how high. only now it's the reverse, and he gets the sense tim doesn't like it too much.]
[ He sniffles. He tries not to. He doesn't want Hawk unless he really wants him back either, not because he hears him cry and feels he has to soothe it. Tim takes a beat, takes a breath, thinks about what he wants to say so he can quit putting his foot in his mouth. ]
I needed to think. And I didn't want to ambush Harry with it. [ So much for that. ] I just had to know I wasn't letting you back in on impulse. Because you're right, if I'm not actually ready it'll all just fall apart again.
[ If Tim is still angry, if he's still feeling raw and defensive, he'll lash out, and a minor disagreement can turn into the equivalent of a bare knuckled brawl. It's not a pretty truth, but he knows this about himself, he's had enough sour conversations with enough people to know that it's not just Hawk bringing it out of him. ]
I can work on that. Patience and grace. You earned that. The other night, with Harry, you showed me you cared. Not just about me, but the things that matter to me. [ It's always been a question. Other people he's been with, his ideas, his faith. There are times when he likes the challenge, and other times when it exhausts him. ] It meant a lot. Even though it was kind of weird. It was good. It felt like a change, more than you just saying it, like you have.
It wouldn't be taking advantage. Not if we take it slow.
[there's a long pause, not because he's thinking it over, but because there's so much at stake here, and he's still not sure this is the right decision. except - maybe he already knew the moment he picked up the phone what was going to happen all along, that this was inevitable no matter how many times they've both tried to push each other away.]
I love you, Tim.
We'll keep going slow. But knowing - it's not gone for good, Christ, that helps.
[there's a heavy exhale, hawk letting all the tension of the fight that didn't come to fruition flood out of him. fuck - it feels good.]
I've always cared. And I'm sorry I didn't always show it, either. I did that for both of you - and I'll keep at it.
[ A moment's hesitation, as he recovers from the whiplash of it. Wanting him and wanting him despite his protests that he doesn't want him back, the lying to himself and everybody else that all but Tim himself could see through - only for Hawk to be the one pushing back. It rattles him, reminds him of that stupid, unanswered letter.
It's not easy, reminding himself that this Hawk hasn't thrown it in the trash yet, that he's not married yet, that those years haven't happened. He'd rather they had, so Hawk wouldn't have to know what death feels like twice over. But this way is...more hopeful. It feels like there's a chance for them that doesn't exist back home. ]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2025-12-18 12:51 am (UTC)But I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage now. That I forced your hand, or tried to manipulate you. I'm not - I didn't want to rush this.
[it would be so easy to say yes. the fact that he hasn't should be proof enough of how much soul-searching he's been trying to do, how important tim's autonomy is and always has been, even if it's felt like hawk doesn't respect it.]
You didn't want me back yesterday. You were still thinking it over. And I wanted to make sure you knew I'd wait as long as you needed me to.
[that desperation in tim's voice rips at him, more painful and blistering than even the hottest of the burns in that goddamn wolf's head. he doesn't want him to beg - doesn't want him to give up on the hard lines he's set in the relationship for his own sake. and more than anything - he doesn't want to hurt him again. christ, it feels like being stuck in a rock and a hard place. like staring down the barrel of the proverbial gun again, ears ringing like he's waiting for a round from that krupp k-5.]
I'm not saying the past means nothing. I know it's hard to let go of. But...we'd both have to give each other some grace. And decide if we still want to go slow, or what - if we're ready for anything else.
I can't hurt you again, Skippy. I won't do it. And right now, I don't know if staying or going would do that more.
[but he's supposed to be the one pulling the strings, isn't he? that's how it used to be - hawk saying jump, and tim saying how high. only now it's the reverse, and he gets the sense tim doesn't like it too much.]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-18 02:47 am (UTC)[ He sniffles. He tries not to. He doesn't want Hawk unless he really wants him back either, not because he hears him cry and feels he has to soothe it. Tim takes a beat, takes a breath, thinks about what he wants to say so he can quit putting his foot in his mouth. ]
I needed to think. And I didn't want to ambush Harry with it. [ So much for that. ] I just had to know I wasn't letting you back in on impulse. Because you're right, if I'm not actually ready it'll all just fall apart again.
[ If Tim is still angry, if he's still feeling raw and defensive, he'll lash out, and a minor disagreement can turn into the equivalent of a bare knuckled brawl. It's not a pretty truth, but he knows this about himself, he's had enough sour conversations with enough people to know that it's not just Hawk bringing it out of him. ]
I can work on that. Patience and grace. You earned that. The other night, with Harry, you showed me you cared. Not just about me, but the things that matter to me. [ It's always been a question. Other people he's been with, his ideas, his faith. There are times when he likes the challenge, and other times when it exhausts him. ] It meant a lot. Even though it was kind of weird. It was good. It felt like a change, more than you just saying it, like you have.
It wouldn't be taking advantage. Not if we take it slow.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-29 01:13 am (UTC)I love you, Tim.
We'll keep going slow. But knowing - it's not gone for good, Christ, that helps.
[there's a heavy exhale, hawk letting all the tension of the fight that didn't come to fruition flood out of him. fuck - it feels good.]
I've always cared. And I'm sorry I didn't always show it, either. I did that for both of you - and I'll keep at it.
...So now will you say yes to dinner with me?
no subject
Date: 2025-12-29 02:18 am (UTC)[ A moment's hesitation, as he recovers from the whiplash of it. Wanting him and wanting him despite his protests that he doesn't want him back, the lying to himself and everybody else that all but Tim himself could see through - only for Hawk to be the one pushing back. It rattles him, reminds him of that stupid, unanswered letter.
It's not easy, reminding himself that this Hawk hasn't thrown it in the trash yet, that he's not married yet, that those years haven't happened. He'd rather they had, so Hawk wouldn't have to know what death feels like twice over. But this way is...more hopeful. It feels like there's a chance for them that doesn't exist back home. ]
Yeah. We can go to dinner. How's tomorrow?