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[holyposition]

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[unapparent]

I should not think your God judges you so harshly, and I certainly do not.

[ she thinks of rhaenyra pulling her bloodied fingers into the safety of her grasp. self-punishment takes many forms. ]

Perhaps we could take to the grounds for fresh air in lieu of prayer, tonight.

[holyposition]

[ He knows, because that was an excuse, a dodge, a parry, if you will. ]

Thank you, Alicent.

I'm sorry, I can't tonight. I've made plans to meet someone at the library.

[unapparent]

Another time, then. I have been spoiled for your attention since my arrival, after all.

[ she has never been skilled at comfort — these last few weeks are proof of that — so she resolves to let this sit, for the time being.

(a quiet thought, selfish and small, that he might know of her recent sins and judge her for them, as anyone should.) ]

If you should like to join me another time, I intend to make better use of our freedom here.

[ by going out in nature. as if even that is a revelation, after the confines of court. ]

[holyposition]

I'm happy to give it, really. I just dont want to burden you with this.

It's stupid.

What are you doing with it?

[unapparent]

If it burdens you, it cannot be so.

[ stupid, foolish. tim is too thoughtful, in such matters. ]

Perhaps it will seem small to you, but I have not walked freely outside the walls of the castle keep since I was a girl.

[ so she’s starting there. the indulgences and depravity offered her no more comfort here than cole had in her grief, only a sense of filth, rotting her from the inside. ]

[holyposition]

I’m flattered that you think so. But it is. I just need some time, I’ll be okay.

[ Just need some time. Good God. He’s starting to sound like him. ]

It doesn’t. It must not help that you got a horrible first impression with the wolf. Have you been around the lake?

[unapparent]

I'll keep you in my prayers until then.

[ and afterwards, in all likelihood. she lights candles for the lost and prays for her sons each night. why not tim? ]

I'll admit it wasn't the finest introduction to the estate and its ways. [ she's minding her tongue about the balfours more intentionally, since the initial shock has passed. as for the lake, ] Not as yet.

[ very much hoping a knight or lady's maid would accompany her! ]

[holyposition]

I'll take you for a walk around the lake, then. It's nice, not as many people around, so you can clear your head.

How about after breakfast tonorrow?

[unapparent]

If you're certain you have the time, I would like that very much.

[holyposition]

I have the time, it's not that.

Maybe it'll do me some good, too.

[unapparent]

It is too easy, I think, to lose sight of things when you stay in one place.

I look fondly upon the tour of the realm my husband and I took in the early days of our marriage, for the perspective it gave me.

[holyposition]

You're right. It's been hard for me, stuck in one place with no clear direction. I'm feeling restless.

The grounds here can't compare to an entire realm, I'm pretty sure. But we'll make the best of it.

[unapparent]

As long as they aren not as cold as the North, I shall enjoy them.

[ a moment to think on his other words. ]

I share that feeling. You had a higher purpose, in your America. And I do not think either of us is meant to live a life of indulgence alone.

[holyposition]

In truth, I was just as lost back home. I'd enlisted, but it was more so that I could run away than it was out of anything noble.

[unapparent]

[ so was i, she doesn’t say. if she looks back — ]

Do you know what you were running from?

[holyposition]

[ A long pause between messages, because, while she probably knows, or at least suspects, that there’s more to his relationship with Hawk than being colleagues, she’s been polite enough not to call it out or make her judgement known. To answer her question feels like an admission, and Alicent, despite coming from another world entirely, reminds him of home in ways that are mostly comforting. But back there, he’s never admitted it to anyone but his priest and people that he’s positive share the same proclivities. ]

Yes.

It was more of a ‘who’ than a ‘what’.’

[...a half-admission, then. ]

[unapparent]

I see.

[ as much as she can, without the all pieces. tim had seemed so happy, when she stayed with him in the lockdown. contented and adored by a man who named him acquaintance.

not so, now. ]

Are you running still, in this place?

[holyposition]

[ He was happy. Moreso than he's ever been. Life comes at you fast. ]

There's nowhere to run.

[unapparent]

Not even towards what you want?

[ she hates that she thinks of rhaenyra now, cleaning her bloodied fingernails and lacing her wedding dress with shaky hands. ]

[holyposition]

The thing I want and the thing I need to run from are the same.

have you ever felt like that?

[unapparent]

Yes.

My whole life. It’s as if you plucked the words from my heart.

[holyposition]

Is it
the same?

[ Another person. ]

How do you do it?

[unapparent]

[ it takes her an age to reply. is it rhaenyra? is it her girlhood, swallowed by the dragon’s maw? ]

Yes.
At least in part.

[ a beat, then. ]

I don’t, I’m afraid.

[holyposition]

You must, somehow. You survive. I’ve been finding ways to distract myself, but that can only hold for so long.

This thing that you want, and that you feel like you have to run from. Is it bad for you?

[unapparent]

You are young, Tim, and stronger than you know. You will find your way.

[ but — ]

I am a woman grown and widowed. What I want would damn my children.