How dare I what? If you don't even know what I said?
I texted him on accident. And he got weird about a photo and thought he needed supervision to be trusted to delete it (?) and I told him that was weird unless he's a liar, and then he started projecting all kinds of stuff on me. You came up. I gave him some honest advice back at the commune but he doesn't believe me because he didn't like my tone.
You don't want to move on. Don't act like I'm the only one who can't make up my mind. You say you want to start over and do it right this time, but the first thing you did when I left was find someone else to keep your bed warm.
Texted him on accident, and then decided to keep antagonizing him? How the fuck did I even come up? You made him feel like shit, Tim. I'm pretty sure that part wasn't accidental.
If this is how you're going to be, maybe I do. You're not always right either.
It's okay for you to sleep with Stephen, and Mr. Giles, and Lestat, and Klaus, but the one guy who didn't look at me like a complete fuck up after the games is suddenly an affront to my sincerity in losing you?
He feels bad if he's sneezed at too loud. You came up because I couldn't help but notice he didn't follow my advice. He accused me of being jealous, it got out of hand.
I slept with most of them because I was still broken up over you. I felt awful and I wanted to feel worse and I didn't want to put that on Harry. It isn't ongoing.
If you knew what he'd been through, you wouldn't be nearly so cavalier. Judgmental. How do you think god feels about that one?
Well if you aren't jealous, you're sure as hell acting like it.
Read that again. You wanted to feel worse for wanting me. Wanting me...makes you feel bad Tim. You want Harry or someone else to punish you for it. That's not love. That's not healthy.
And - maybe it doesn't matter to you, but how do you think that makes me feel?
Who here hasn’t been through the unimaginable? I’ve judged him on his behavior and he’s judged mine. You want me to apologize?
Wanting you scares me. It does make me feel bad that I can’t stop when I say I’m gonna stop. I joined the Army, came back, and nothing changed except that you were married. I’m hurting Harry by being so wishy-washy, and I can barely give you an honest chance because I’m already preparing to get hurt again myself. It does feel bad.
I’m sorry if that hurts to hear. Helping me with Harry and the kiss under the mistletoe is enough to try, not enough to forget everything that’s happened.
Then I'll make it easy for you. I don't want to hurt Harry, and I know you don't. You have a good thing going, and I'm not going to fuck it up for either of you.
And I don't...you're gonna keep feeling that way no matter what I do right now. There hasn't been enough time for you to trust me, or for me to change.
You've been begging for a chance for months, and now that I'm giving it to you, you're changing your mind because of Bob?
[ Choosing Bob over him. Like he chose Lucy, like he chose Embry. He should just let it happen. It's easier if it's Hawk's choice. But he thinks about that night in front of his apartment every day, wonders what would have happened if he had said something, done something other than tearfully walked away. If he's never joined the Army, if he'd convinced Hawk he was making a mistake, if they'd packed their bags and ran away and had that ring weighing heavy in Hawk's pocket resized, redesigned. If only, if only, if only. ]
I stepped over the line. I can apologize for that. Why are you assuming I won't?
[fuck. god-fucking damnit. he should let it just keep ringing. he should stick to his guns, walk away now. but tim will think he's being abandoned, that it wasn't serious, that he hasn't been trying harder for anything than he ever has in his life. he knows this is the right thing to do. he knows - whether tim wants to accept it or not, that it's better for them both.
he exhales hard, pinching the bridge of his nose before answering.]
I'm not changing my mind because of Bob. This isn't about him - it's about us.
I want you, Tim. I'm always gonna want you. But I don't want us like this.
I've been trying to prove you wrong, to do everything right. And I get why you're skittish, why it's hard to trust me. But I'm not perfect. I might fuck it up again - not to the same degree, but - there's always gonna be something, yeah? And then it's all on my neck, and you're hurt, and you think I'm repeating old patterns when I'm not.
[there's a pause, hawk swallowing thickly.]
I wanna say yes. I want to take a chance. But you were right the first time. We need the space. We need change - both of us.
Isn’t it? You wanted me back yesterday. You didn’t seem worried then.
[ Tim’s heart beats at double time, pleading through the lump in his throat. Hawk is wrong. Time and distance are helpless against the pull between them, even when it shouldn’t be, even if it’s no good. He learned it the hard way, a world away and still yearning. He doesn’t wish that on Hawk. One eye always on the phone, pulse racing at the mailman who has nothing, never does. He’d rather argue, rather a hundred painful back and forths than endure that silence again. ]
No, Hawk, it’s not- it's not all on your neck. I know I’ve said it, but I was...I was trying to convince myself. Make it easier. I know I’ve been difficult lately. I do. Even before going home, and the commune. [ Since he died, since his first I love you came from someone else’s mouth, since Teo was both better than him and worse, since he’s grown used to watching himself bleed out, since Hawk didn’t write and he didn’t fight it. He’s right. There is always, always something. ] I’ve been stubborn, and indecisive, and quick to pick a fight when I don’t need to.
We can help each other change. That’s what starting over is supposed to mean, isn’t it?
[ Tim sounds frantic. Desperate, like he's been holding onto a cliff's edge for months and finally feels his fingers start to slip. ]
Edited (would probably be helpful if all of the words supposed to be in a sentence actually were) Date: 2025-12-17 10:33 pm (UTC)
Tim - listen to me. I want you back more than anything. I've been bending over backwards to prove it.
But I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage now. That I forced your hand, or tried to manipulate you. I'm not - I didn't want to rush this.
[it would be so easy to say yes. the fact that he hasn't should be proof enough of how much soul-searching he's been trying to do, how important tim's autonomy is and always has been, even if it's felt like hawk doesn't respect it.]
You didn't want me back yesterday. You were still thinking it over. And I wanted to make sure you knew I'd wait as long as you needed me to.
[that desperation in tim's voice rips at him, more painful and blistering than even the hottest of the burns in that goddamn wolf's head. he doesn't want him to beg - doesn't want him to give up on the hard lines he's set in the relationship for his own sake. and more than anything - he doesn't want to hurt him again. christ, it feels like being stuck in a rock and a hard place. like staring down the barrel of the proverbial gun again, ears ringing like he's waiting for a round from that krupp k-5.]
I'm not saying the past means nothing. I know it's hard to let go of. But...we'd both have to give each other some grace. And decide if we still want to go slow, or what - if we're ready for anything else.
I can't hurt you again, Skippy. I won't do it. And right now, I don't know if staying or going would do that more.
[but he's supposed to be the one pulling the strings, isn't he? that's how it used to be - hawk saying jump, and tim saying how high. only now it's the reverse, and he gets the sense tim doesn't like it too much.]
[ He sniffles. He tries not to. He doesn't want Hawk unless he really wants him back either, not because he hears him cry and feels he has to soothe it. Tim takes a beat, takes a breath, thinks about what he wants to say so he can quit putting his foot in his mouth. ]
I needed to think. And I didn't want to ambush Harry with it. [ So much for that. ] I just had to know I wasn't letting you back in on impulse. Because you're right, if I'm not actually ready it'll all just fall apart again.
[ If Tim is still angry, if he's still feeling raw and defensive, he'll lash out, and a minor disagreement can turn into the equivalent of a bare knuckled brawl. It's not a pretty truth, but he knows this about himself, he's had enough sour conversations with enough people to know that it's not just Hawk bringing it out of him. ]
I can work on that. Patience and grace. You earned that. The other night, with Harry, you showed me you cared. Not just about me, but the things that matter to me. [ It's always been a question. Other people he's been with, his ideas, his faith. There are times when he likes the challenge, and other times when it exhausts him. ] It meant a lot. Even though it was kind of weird. It was good. It felt like a change, more than you just saying it, like you have.
It wouldn't be taking advantage. Not if we take it slow.
[there's a long pause, not because he's thinking it over, but because there's so much at stake here, and he's still not sure this is the right decision. except - maybe he already knew the moment he picked up the phone what was going to happen all along, that this was inevitable no matter how many times they've both tried to push each other away.]
I love you, Tim.
We'll keep going slow. But knowing - it's not gone for good, Christ, that helps.
[there's a heavy exhale, hawk letting all the tension of the fight that didn't come to fruition flood out of him. fuck - it feels good.]
I've always cared. And I'm sorry I didn't always show it, either. I did that for both of you - and I'll keep at it.
[ A moment's hesitation, as he recovers from the whiplash of it. Wanting him and wanting him despite his protests that he doesn't want him back, the lying to himself and everybody else that all but Tim himself could see through - only for Hawk to be the one pushing back. It rattles him, reminds him of that stupid, unanswered letter.
It's not easy, reminding himself that this Hawk hasn't thrown it in the trash yet, that he's not married yet, that those years haven't happened. He'd rather they had, so Hawk wouldn't have to know what death feels like twice over. But this way is...more hopeful. It feels like there's a chance for them that doesn't exist back home. ]
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timeasmymeasure
text | @HZF
Date: 2025-12-17 01:39 am (UTC)You won't take me back, but you apparently won't let me move on, either, or at least you're going to ruin the one good thing I've got going.
What the fuck do you want from me, Tim?
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 01:53 am (UTC)I texted him on accident. And he got weird about a photo and thought he needed supervision to be trusted to delete it (?) and I told him that was weird unless he's a liar, and then he started projecting all kinds of stuff on me. You came up. I gave him some honest advice back at the commune but he doesn't believe me because he didn't like my tone.
You don't want to move on. Don't act like I'm the only one who can't make up my mind. You say you want to start over and do it right this time, but the first thing you did when I left was find someone else to keep your bed warm.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 02:01 am (UTC)If this is how you're going to be, maybe I do. You're not always right either.
It's okay for you to sleep with Stephen, and Mr. Giles, and Lestat, and Klaus, but the one guy who didn't look at me like a complete fuck up after the games is suddenly an affront to my sincerity in losing you?
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 02:17 am (UTC)I slept with most of them because I was still broken up over you. I felt awful and I wanted to feel worse and I didn't want to put that on Harry. It isn't ongoing.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 04:10 pm (UTC)Well if you aren't jealous, you're sure as hell acting like it.
Read that again. You wanted to feel worse for wanting me. Wanting me...makes you feel bad Tim. You want Harry or someone else to punish you for it. That's not love. That's not healthy.
And - maybe it doesn't matter to you, but how do you think that makes me feel?
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 05:10 pm (UTC)Wanting you scares me. It does make me feel bad that I can’t stop when I say I’m gonna stop. I joined the Army, came back, and nothing changed except that you were married. I’m hurting Harry by being so wishy-washy, and I can barely give you an honest chance because I’m already preparing to get hurt again myself. It does feel bad.
I’m sorry if that hurts to hear. Helping me with Harry and the kiss under the mistletoe is enough to try, not enough to forget everything that’s happened.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 05:31 pm (UTC)Then I'll make it easy for you. I don't want to hurt Harry, and I know you don't. You have a good thing going, and I'm not going to fuck it up for either of you.
And I don't...you're gonna keep feeling that way no matter what I do right now. There hasn't been enough time for you to trust me, or for me to change.
I love you, Tim.
I love you enough to know when to walk away.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 05:59 pm (UTC)You've been begging for a chance for months, and now that I'm giving it to you, you're changing your mind because of Bob?
[ Choosing Bob over him. Like he chose Lucy, like he chose Embry. He should just let it happen. It's easier if it's Hawk's choice. But he thinks about that night in front of his apartment every day, wonders what would have happened if he had said something, done something other than tearfully walked away. If he's never joined the Army, if he'd convinced Hawk he was making a mistake, if they'd packed their bags and ran away and had that ring weighing heavy in Hawk's pocket resized, redesigned. If only, if only, if only. ]
I stepped over the line. I can apologize for that. Why are you assuming I won't?
Please pick up.
[ It’s ringing. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 06:58 pm (UTC)he exhales hard, pinching the bridge of his nose before answering.]
I'm not changing my mind because of Bob. This isn't about him - it's about us.
I want you, Tim. I'm always gonna want you. But I don't want us like this.
I've been trying to prove you wrong, to do everything right. And I get why you're skittish, why it's hard to trust me. But I'm not perfect. I might fuck it up again - not to the same degree, but - there's always gonna be something, yeah? And then it's all on my neck, and you're hurt, and you think I'm repeating old patterns when I'm not.
[there's a pause, hawk swallowing thickly.]
I wanna say yes. I want to take a chance. But you were right the first time. We need the space. We need change - both of us.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-17 08:04 pm (UTC)[ Tim’s heart beats at double time, pleading through the lump in his throat. Hawk is wrong. Time and distance are helpless against the pull between them, even when it shouldn’t be, even if it’s no good. He learned it the hard way, a world away and still yearning. He doesn’t wish that on Hawk. One eye always on the phone, pulse racing at the mailman who has nothing, never does. He’d rather argue, rather a hundred painful back and forths than endure that silence again. ]
No, Hawk, it’s not- it's not all on your neck. I know I’ve said it, but I was...I was trying to convince myself. Make it easier. I know I’ve been difficult lately. I do. Even before going home, and the commune. [ Since he died, since his first I love you came from someone else’s mouth, since Teo was both better than him and worse, since he’s grown used to watching himself bleed out, since Hawk didn’t write and he didn’t fight it. He’s right. There is always, always something. ] I’ve been stubborn, and indecisive, and quick to pick a fight when I don’t need to.
We can help each other change. That’s what starting over is supposed to mean, isn’t it?
[ Tim sounds frantic. Desperate, like he's been holding onto a cliff's edge for months and finally feels his fingers start to slip. ]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-18 12:51 am (UTC)But I don't want you to feel like I'm taking advantage now. That I forced your hand, or tried to manipulate you. I'm not - I didn't want to rush this.
[it would be so easy to say yes. the fact that he hasn't should be proof enough of how much soul-searching he's been trying to do, how important tim's autonomy is and always has been, even if it's felt like hawk doesn't respect it.]
You didn't want me back yesterday. You were still thinking it over. And I wanted to make sure you knew I'd wait as long as you needed me to.
[that desperation in tim's voice rips at him, more painful and blistering than even the hottest of the burns in that goddamn wolf's head. he doesn't want him to beg - doesn't want him to give up on the hard lines he's set in the relationship for his own sake. and more than anything - he doesn't want to hurt him again. christ, it feels like being stuck in a rock and a hard place. like staring down the barrel of the proverbial gun again, ears ringing like he's waiting for a round from that krupp k-5.]
I'm not saying the past means nothing. I know it's hard to let go of. But...we'd both have to give each other some grace. And decide if we still want to go slow, or what - if we're ready for anything else.
I can't hurt you again, Skippy. I won't do it. And right now, I don't know if staying or going would do that more.
[but he's supposed to be the one pulling the strings, isn't he? that's how it used to be - hawk saying jump, and tim saying how high. only now it's the reverse, and he gets the sense tim doesn't like it too much.]
no subject
Date: 2025-12-18 02:47 am (UTC)[ He sniffles. He tries not to. He doesn't want Hawk unless he really wants him back either, not because he hears him cry and feels he has to soothe it. Tim takes a beat, takes a breath, thinks about what he wants to say so he can quit putting his foot in his mouth. ]
I needed to think. And I didn't want to ambush Harry with it. [ So much for that. ] I just had to know I wasn't letting you back in on impulse. Because you're right, if I'm not actually ready it'll all just fall apart again.
[ If Tim is still angry, if he's still feeling raw and defensive, he'll lash out, and a minor disagreement can turn into the equivalent of a bare knuckled brawl. It's not a pretty truth, but he knows this about himself, he's had enough sour conversations with enough people to know that it's not just Hawk bringing it out of him. ]
I can work on that. Patience and grace. You earned that. The other night, with Harry, you showed me you cared. Not just about me, but the things that matter to me. [ It's always been a question. Other people he's been with, his ideas, his faith. There are times when he likes the challenge, and other times when it exhausts him. ] It meant a lot. Even though it was kind of weird. It was good. It felt like a change, more than you just saying it, like you have.
It wouldn't be taking advantage. Not if we take it slow.
no subject
Date: 2025-12-29 01:13 am (UTC)I love you, Tim.
We'll keep going slow. But knowing - it's not gone for good, Christ, that helps.
[there's a heavy exhale, hawk letting all the tension of the fight that didn't come to fruition flood out of him. fuck - it feels good.]
I've always cared. And I'm sorry I didn't always show it, either. I did that for both of you - and I'll keep at it.
...So now will you say yes to dinner with me?
no subject
Date: 2025-12-29 02:18 am (UTC)[ A moment's hesitation, as he recovers from the whiplash of it. Wanting him and wanting him despite his protests that he doesn't want him back, the lying to himself and everybody else that all but Tim himself could see through - only for Hawk to be the one pushing back. It rattles him, reminds him of that stupid, unanswered letter.
It's not easy, reminding himself that this Hawk hasn't thrown it in the trash yet, that he's not married yet, that those years haven't happened. He'd rather they had, so Hawk wouldn't have to know what death feels like twice over. But this way is...more hopeful. It feels like there's a chance for them that doesn't exist back home. ]
Yeah. We can go to dinner. How's tomorrow?