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[holyposition]

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t.laughlin

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[holyposition]

I trust you so much that I only want to be handled by you.

[mygoodsir]

Alright.

I adore you, Tim. I don't always succeed in assuring you, I know, but I do.

[holyposition]

What do you mean? Of course you do.

[mygoodsir]

I worry. With Hawk gone.

[holyposition]

That you're not doing enough? Harry, I haven't doubted how much you love me since the first time you said it.

It's just hard for me to deal with the standards here. It always has been, and I don't expect that'll ever change.

[mygoodsir]

What do you mean standards?

[holyposition]

You know. How everyone is entangled with everyone else. I get jealous but it doesn't mean I doubt you.

[mygoodsir]

I just want you to feel secure in every way.

[holyposition]

I am, in every way this place will let me.

[mygoodsir]

What do you want, Tim? That I cannot give you?

[holyposition]

It's not your fault. It's this place.

If I had my way, it would just be you and me. Nobody would be flirting with Stephen or anyone else. But I can't ask that of you. It wouldn't be fair.

[mygoodsir]

Oh, my darling. You are the light of my life, and I would give that to you if I believed that it was truly what you wanted.

vaguely problematic thoughts re: bisexuality? idk.

[holyposition]

It is. I can't stand this. I hate wondering if there's something you want that someone else can do better. Or if you'd rather be with a woman. Even if it's not true.

I want it, but I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to do it as long as Hawk is chasing me down. Which is why I'm not asking for it. I'm sorry.

[mygoodsir]

It's not true. I want you. I have since the beginning.

You don't have to apologise. It is as I thought.

[holyposition]

Logically, I know that. In my heart, I know that. But I still have this...knee-jerk fear. I know it's not rational.

[ Abandoned, so many times. By Dresden, by Aemond, by Hawk more times than he can count. By God, long before this place, but the horrors of it only make that more clear. ]

I feel like I do. I'm ready to be over it, but I just need time.

[mygoodsir]

You have all the time you need. I'll still be here.

[holyposition]

Thank you. I love you.

Would you really give up everyone else? When I'm sure I'm ready?

[mygoodsir]

It would hurt my heart, but yes.

[holyposition]

I can't ask for that, then. I don't want you hurting because of me.

[mygoodsir]

Tim. You've already hurt me. This at least would be worth it, and it would be brief.

[holyposition]

Because of how I want things to be, or because I can't get over him fast enough?

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me.

[mygoodsir]

Darling, hush. It doesn't matter.

You taught me what romantic love is. Do you understand that? I will love you as long as I draw breath. No matter what. No matter who else comes into my life, or into yours.

To me there is nothing wrong with you.

[holyposition]

It does matter. Being that person [ Who opened his eyes to what love could be, like Hawk had for him ] only makes it easier for me to hurt you, and I don't want to do that. If this place makes it impossible, then I'm still sorry. I don't want anyone to feel the way I've felt. Especially not you.

Come home. Please. You can make me pay for it. Or you can hold me until we fall asleep. Either. both. anything you want.

[mygoodsir]

Tim, people hurt one another. It's what we do. But it's such a small part of it, and you worry overmuch.

You make me feel like the luckiest man alive every day.

I'm not going to punish you, Tim. But I am on my way.

[holyposition]

It doesn't have to be.

I'm so grateful for you. I've never been so sure about anything. Do you know that?

I'll put the kettle on for you.