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[holyposition]

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t.laughlin

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[mygoodsir]

It is a delusion, but one forced upon you by the house. That is not the same as madness.

Tim. Don't lie to me.

[holyposition]

You, Koby, and Hawk are the only people who have seen me like that. I want to keep that list small.

I'm not! Sort of. I know the signs of when it's coming, I know how long to expect it to last, if I'm not medicated into sleep first. It makes it...not easy, obviously, but managable.

[mygoodsir]

Then I will respect that, unless it is unbearable.

I hate that I understand your point.

[holyposition]

I bear it every time, Harry. I wouldn't have been saddled with it if I couldn't.

I know you're just trying to take care of me. But you're doing a great job, you don't have to call in Stephen.

[mygoodsir]

I don't enjoy pointless suffering.

[holyposition]

I don't enjoy it either.

[mygoodsir]

Then you'll trust me if I think I should call for outside help.

[holyposition]

It's not about trusting you or not. It's personal.

[mygoodsir]

It is a bit, dear.

Alright. Not unless I have your permission, then.

[holyposition]

I trust you so much that I only want to be handled by you.

[mygoodsir]

Alright.

I adore you, Tim. I don't always succeed in assuring you, I know, but I do.

[holyposition]

What do you mean? Of course you do.

[mygoodsir]

I worry. With Hawk gone.

[holyposition]

That you're not doing enough? Harry, I haven't doubted how much you love me since the first time you said it.

It's just hard for me to deal with the standards here. It always has been, and I don't expect that'll ever change.

[mygoodsir]

What do you mean standards?

[holyposition]

You know. How everyone is entangled with everyone else. I get jealous but it doesn't mean I doubt you.

[mygoodsir]

I just want you to feel secure in every way.

[holyposition]

I am, in every way this place will let me.

[mygoodsir]

What do you want, Tim? That I cannot give you?

[holyposition]

It's not your fault. It's this place.

If I had my way, it would just be you and me. Nobody would be flirting with Stephen or anyone else. But I can't ask that of you. It wouldn't be fair.

[mygoodsir]

Oh, my darling. You are the light of my life, and I would give that to you if I believed that it was truly what you wanted.

vaguely problematic thoughts re: bisexuality? idk.

[holyposition]

It is. I can't stand this. I hate wondering if there's something you want that someone else can do better. Or if you'd rather be with a woman. Even if it's not true.

I want it, but I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to do it as long as Hawk is chasing me down. Which is why I'm not asking for it. I'm sorry.

[mygoodsir]

It's not true. I want you. I have since the beginning.

You don't have to apologise. It is as I thought.

[holyposition]

Logically, I know that. In my heart, I know that. But I still have this...knee-jerk fear. I know it's not rational.

[ Abandoned, so many times. By Dresden, by Aemond, by Hawk more times than he can count. By God, long before this place, but the horrors of it only make that more clear. ]

I feel like I do. I'm ready to be over it, but I just need time.

[mygoodsir]

You have all the time you need. I'll still be here.